Transcript
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It's time for episode 223, and this week you're stuck with me With no wifey and no baby.
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Let's share some first-time dad struggles and let's discover the real reason I have been so run down.
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Spoiler alert it includes a trip to the emergency room.
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Let me tell you something Everybody struggles.
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The difference is some people choose to go through it and some choose to grow through it.
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The choice is completely yours.
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Which one you choose will have a very profound effect on the way you live your life.
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If you find strength in the struggle, then this podcast is for you.
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If you have a relationship that is comfortable with uncomfortable conversations, uncomfortable conversations challenge you, humble you and they build you.
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When you sprinkle a little time and distance on it, it all makes sense.
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Most disagreements, they stem from our own insecurities.
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You are right where you need to be.
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We can fight for the chance the whole day gone.
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We'll be fine.
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We'll be fine, we'll be fine.
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Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
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What it do, what it do, hot diggity.
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Damn.
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Am I so excited to be back with you?
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Oh, it's true, it's damn true.
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Welcome to Share the Struggle Podcast, episode 223.
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And today is just you and me.
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Before we get rocking and rolling today, I got to ask each and every one of you, because it feels so long since I've communicated with each and every one of you, how you doing, how's your mentals, how's your dentals, how you feeling.
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You're doing okay.
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Boys and girls, chipmunks and squirrels y'all be feeling all right.
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You're doing okay.
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If you need to talk about something, you can send it my way.
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Just put it out there.
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It's been a little while since, you know, since I've had to put the offer on the table.
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It's been a little while since I've heard from one of the loyal listeners out there just looking to talk through a crisis or a situation, or bounce ideas and revelations, whatever it might be.
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I just want to let y'all know you can always communicate with me because here at Share the Struggle we are growing a positive tribe as we extend this positive vibe, and y'all know we can't be doing what we've been doing without Loud Proud American, because it all goes hand in hand.
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This podcast is brought to you by Loud Proud American precisely perfectly named Share the Struggle because everybody struggles, but the truth is boys and girls, if you are willing.
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Named share the struggle because everybody struggles, but the truth is boys and girls, if you are willing to share your struggle, then there is strength in your struggle.
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That's why we continue to come back, week after week after week, to share the stuff we are growing through.
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That's why we've been doing it for 223 consecutive weeks and, if you're asking me, that's a pretty damn impressive streak to be proud of y'all.
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So round of claps, okay, yeah, round of claps and snaps.
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Oh, it's snaps.
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Look at him, he's snapping.
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Here's some claps.
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Yeah, don't forget it, mm-hmm, yeah oh, that boy, he's kind of awkward, he's still clapping.
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Oh sweet, that's so sweet, he's waiting for him, waiting for him to finish y'all.
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I don't know what, that boy, he's kind of crazy, I don't know.
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He's special, special little man Still clapping.
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Okay enough of the clapping.
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Special little man Still clapping.
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Okay, enough of the clapping.
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Sorry about that.
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The point I'm trying to make here is I appreciate each and every one of you.
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Whether you are a loyal one, get your ones up.
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If you're a day one, get your ones up.
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If you've been here since all the way back in July 2020, get your ones up.
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If this is your first day listening to the podcast, if this is your first episode, then welcome to Share the Struggle Podcast.
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You can find all things podcast related over to wwwsharethestrugglepodcastcom.
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Yeah, all, right, now that we have the Montel Williams portion of the show out the way I was mentioning to y'all.
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Each and every week, we come back and we share some of our struggles, so let's go ahead and get right into some struggles.
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I got a couple big ones on tap today.
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The first one I'm going to get out the way because over the past few weeks, I've been spoiled.
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I've been lucky, I've been fortunate, I've had my wife join me on the show, and I will tell you, it's a heck of a lot easier to have a podcast when you're speaking with somebody else, when you're calling for Satan and all that good stuff.
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It's a lot easier to record a podcast with a guest, a co-host, someone you care about, someone you love.
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Okay, it's a lot easier, and I've also heard from a lot of you that everybody enjoys the little background sound effects that we occasionally pick up from little baby Paisley Rain.
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But this week, episode 223, you're stuck with just me.
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So I want to get a struggle out on the board.
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I want to put something out there to the giving tree because we're safe here.
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I want to put things out into the universe before the wife and baby get back and the pressure gets ramped up.
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Okay, I want to put it out there to you Right now.
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I want to talk to all the first-time dads out there.
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I want to address something that you might be going through, that you might be growing through, or you might have to anticipate going and growing through at some point, growing through at some point.
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I want to share something that a lot of the longtime dads, the repeat offenders of dads, those super awesome, kick-ass, loud, proud American dads out there that have been through this you can share some of your insight on this.
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And then to all the mamas out there that are either first-time moms, I want to give you some insight on what your husband might be feeling or your baby daddy might be feeling.
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Okay.
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So this goes out to the mamas and the papas out there.
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If you have experience in this situation, then feel free to share it, to lend it, but if you're new to this, I want to make some people aware of some things, and this is some stuff that was brought to my attention from other dads out there saying, hey, man, anticipate this happening, but knowing something, realizing something, but then finally experiencing something.
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Those things are all very different.
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So what I want to address is the fact that, as a dad for the first portion of your baby's life, there's going to come a time where you feel absolutely useless.
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I am at a stage right now with little Paisley that I feel absolutely useless and it sucks and it's scary.
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So I want to share a few things with you as to what I mean by this.
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So let's go ahead and paint the picture so we can pave the road, so y'all can understand what I'm talking about.
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Now.
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I completely understand, I'm grateful for, and I expected, the connection and the bond that Paisley and Allie have together.
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I love it, it's amazing, right, and I want it to be that way.
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Obviously.
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They spent nine months together.
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And then there's certain things that they're always going to have together, right, and I know that she's drawn to her heartbeat, her scent, her touch, her feel, her voice, her everything.
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That's all great.
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I love that.
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And let me just go ahead and be, let me be a dude for a minute.
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Okay, let's get the Cabela's catalog out.
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Let's put my left hand on the catalog, get these beady little eyes, look into the sky, give you the truth from the sky.
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As a dad, as a dude, I don't necessarily want my kid to be attached to me all the time.
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Anyways, let's be honest, it's a much easier road.
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My little baby be attached to baby mama, okay.
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So I'm not saying I want her completely attached to me the way she is mom.
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I'll be honest y'all.
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I am extremely grateful she is attached to mom and not to dad.
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You understand Putting that out there.
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That might sound selfish, that might sound ridiculous, but it's 1000% dude truth.
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Okay, it's dude truth, it's a dude fact.
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It's a factoid of dudes.
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We appreciate that our babies not be so attached to us, okay, there's some freedoms and some unclinginess that we certainly appreciate.
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I'm putting that out there.
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That's a, that's a confessional, that's a full frontal confessional and I'm putting out there right now.
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So, man, I could get some backlash for that.
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But you know what?
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We're safe here.
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Okay, this is where we share things.
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So I'm, I'm sharing things.
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I'm not looking for that level of connection.
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I'm not looking for that level of connection.
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I'm not looking for that level of dependency I guess is a better word to use in a situation.
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But I would like to at least feel useful.
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Does that make sense?
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I would like to at least feel like she gives two shits about her dad being around.
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We're at this stage, right now, that even if feeding Little Paisley, there's going to come a time where she's like you know what, screw you, dad, you're not even doing this, right?
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You know, get my mom over here, where's my mama, where's my me ma, get me the hell out of your hands, because you ain't got a bloody clue what you're supposed to be doing of your hands, because you ain't got a bloody clue what you're supposed to be doing.
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We're at this phase right now.
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And little Paisley, when she first arrived, she didn't complain about what daddy was doing, right, if I was feeding her or letting her take naps, like relaxing her, holding her all those things.
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She was looking at me with the you know just wonderment in her eyes.
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Now I look at her and I get the look of like where the hell's my mama at?
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Can you get me my mama?
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And I'm going to tell y'all.
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As much as that can be funny, it's also difficult.
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It's also difficult to deal with because you get to this point where you're like I can't comfort my child when she's irate.
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I'm going through all the checks and balances, doing all the things I can to calm her down, and if I'm going through every single check and balance trying to figure these things out and none of that's working, but I just hand her to me Ma, I just hand her to my wife.
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For the most part she just calms down as a man, as a grown ass man that feels like he can do anything at any time.
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That is a kick to the confidence clusters.
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You understand what I'm saying.
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It is a direct kick to the confidence clusters.
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When your little baby that's dependent on humans, on adults, for absolutely everything, does not give two shits about you doing anything, man, that is a direct kick to the confidence clusters that you didn't realize would affect you so much.
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Now I knew that, hey, I'm not going to compare to mom, I'm not going to stack up.
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There's things that Paisley's always just going to want for mom and in this stage I know that's the comfort level and I get it.
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And I've had just about every dad that I've had this conversation with say to me hey, man, there's going to be a time when you realize that your baby doesn't really give two shits about you or what you're doing.
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So get over that.
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But you have a little girl.
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At some point she's going to be attached to your hip.
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So take this as a breather, take this as a break.
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And you know I get that and I understand that.
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And I'm not saying that I want her to be attached to my hip at all times.
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But I want to feel fucking useful.
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I want to feel like I can make a damn difference, like when the baby's freaking out in the middle of the night and you go grab her and she calms down for three seconds until she realizes, god damn it, this is my daddy again.
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Then at some point you're like you know what?
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Why am I getting up?
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Why am I getting up to go to this feeding?
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Why am I getting up to do, whatever the hell's going on, because what I'm doing clearly ain't doing no good I don't know.
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Putting it out there to y'all.
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I'm putting this out there.
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This is a grown ass confessional.
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I'm struggling with it, man, I'm struggling with it, and I spent a good day and a half just pouting about the fact that, like, my own child doesn't want two shits to do with me, but you could pass it to a complete stranger and she's like, oh hey, how you doing.
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Yeah, let me just be chill.
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But then when my daddy gets me, I'll be cool for three minutes until I realize it's my damn daddy.
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Then I'm gonna freak out on my damn daddy, I'm gonna make him have a freaking anxiety attack and then I'm gonna ask for mom, which I don't really get an anxiety attack.
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And then I'm going to ask for mom, which I don't really get an anxiety attack.
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I play things calm, cool and collected, the best I can.
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She would have to melt down for a couple of hours before I was like, okay, I'm done here.
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So I feel like the energy that we put off, the energy that we put out, makes a big difference.
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So I try to be as calm as I can in any of those situations.
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But for all the daddies out there that have been through this, well, I guess I should put it this way Are there other daddies that have been through this?
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And if there is, then throw some advice my way.
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If you're feeling good about it, if you're feeling frisky today, then throw some advice my way.
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If you've been through it, then great, let me know.
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If you haven't been through it, if it didn't happen to you, then maybe share something that would let me know what you did to prevent this or what you've done to not have this particular phase.
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And if that's the case, then maybe we can come back on here in a week and kind of share some insights from each and every one of you, because this isn't just about me.
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I know there's some daddies out there that go through this stuff, man, and for all the mamas out there, this ain't just about the papas, this is about the mamas too, because I need all y'all mamas to understand it's a difficult thing for a dad to go through.
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It's a very difficult thing for a dad to feel helpless in a situation, especially in a situation where you want to feel vital, where you want to feel so important.
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Let me explain this to you when you welcome a little baby into your world, you have this instant vow that happens.
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You take an immediate oath that says hell or high water.
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I will do everything in my power to protect you, to provide for you, to honor you, to love you.
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I just made that up on the fly.
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Okay, hell or high water?
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Reality oath right there.
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As soon as you're holding your little child, unless you're a complete scumbag, your priorities in life change and you literally say hell or high water, I want to do whatever the hell it takes.
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So you want to feel, or you instantly have these things that take over in you, these protector instincts that come over you that say like I'm going to protect you until the day that I can't, I'm going to provide for you until the day that I can't.
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And when you have those things go off in your mind and you're telling yourself I'm always going to be there, I'm always going to do the right thing and I'm always going to make you feel better.
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And then, less than two months into this relationship we're having here, I can't do a goddamn thing to make you feel better.
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I can't prevent your meltdowns, I can't prevent your craziness, I can't take tears away, I can't soothe anything away.
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You instantly take a confidence kick a kick to the confidence clusters right out the gate.
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As a man, you are telling yourself I will always protect and provide and within two months in, I can't protect or provide because you don't give two shits about me being alive.
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God, it's a lot people.
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Maybe this is more about a therapeutic session for just me.
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I apologize, lord, I apologize.
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Amazingly, the picnic goes down in Tennessee.
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I don't know man.
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But to all the moms out there I apologize.
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Amazingly, the picnic goes down in Tennessee.
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I don't know man.
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But to all the moms out there, I plead for patience for all your significant others.
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Please acknowledge that this is a struggling time for them and I know all the attention and all the praise and all of those things go to the mama.
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I get it, I understand it.
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You did all the work you carried the little one.
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Go to the mama.
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I get it, I understand it.
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You did all the work, you carried the little one, you did the pushing.
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I understand that.
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But I'm just going to plead for a little bit of patience for the papas on this one, because it's tough and it's a silent demotivator that, unless we talk about it and acknowledge it, it can eat dads up.
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I just know it can because I brought it up to the wife.
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Because there was just one morning where I slept through one of the feedings.
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I was exhausted and we're going to get into that in a little bit.
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But then in the morning I got up from one of the early morning feedings and I let the wife sleep and I just fed the little one and I was trying to get her to go back to sleep and I couldn't and I was just sitting there on the couch and you know, feeding her and she would doze off and come out of it and doze off and come out of it, and then you know she she's fussing and all that.
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And then you know, once mama arrives, it's like it ain't no thing, you know, and you're sitting there and you're just beating yourself up and saying like why can't I make a difference in this child?
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Why can't I, you know, do something to help in that situation?
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And I kind of had a little bit of a emotional meltdown or breakdown or relapse, whatever you want to use.
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And it got me thinking man, I don't know what to do here.
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And I think those thoughts come in when you're exhausted and it's a little sleep and you're you know you're trying to console and do these things and then you start pointing out all these times in your mind when you couldn't make a positive impact for your child and it'll eat you up.
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I'm obviously comfortable enough in having the conversation with my wife and I'm having the conversation here on the podcast because I feel like there's other men out there that have gone through this or are going through this and, like I've always said, if you share your struggles, like there's other men out there that have gone through this or are going through this, and like I've always said, if you share your struggles, then there's strength in those struggles.
00:19:06.156 --> 00:19:23.439
So I'm just sharing this and if you guys know anybody that might be going through this, share this episode right, share it with them, because there's some strength for guys in just knowing you're not alone and this happens, in just knowing you're not alone, and this happens.
00:19:23.439 --> 00:19:44.085
And I just know that if there's another dad out there that can relate to what I'm saying, then there might be an opportunity for them to overcome some of the fear and some of the doubt that they're having as an early dad, like that I'm having and I know that there's going to come a time when we're gonna get over this hump, know that there's going to come a time when we're going to get over this hump.
00:19:44.085 --> 00:19:48.051
I know there's going to come a time when little Paisley is going to want her dad's comfort.
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I understand that.
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But we're in this window where it's really difficult and I'm aware of the fact that if I didn't point this out, if I didn't discuss this, if I didn't have a positive outlook to work through this, this could defeat me.
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It could defeat me as a dad.
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So it really got me thinking that there's probably some people out there that are dealing with this and if they let them beat them up, they let this emotion take over, then it can and it could cause real damage to your ability to be a father.
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So I just wanted to discuss that.
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I wanted to put that out there.
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I want to beg for forgiveness from the ladies.
00:20:21.204 --> 00:20:23.690
A little passion and compassion would be nice.
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Just put it out there.
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My wife's been great about this, but I just want to draw the attention to it for the women, because you might not realize this is happening and we're here to try to help you and we're here to try to help the baby.
00:20:34.980 --> 00:20:40.971
And it's really frustrating when we're trying to help you but the baby is denying our help.
00:20:40.971 --> 00:20:50.065
So there could come a time when we're more reluctant to give that help and then you, as the mother, is going to be like my fucking husband's not doing anything.
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You know my baby daddy's not doing nothing right here, but there might actually be a reason.
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So I'm saying this to you so that maybe you can have a conversation.
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If you see some of these things happening, maybe you've noticed a change in your partner's parenting and you notice that maybe they're getting pushed to the side a little bit by the child.
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Then have a conversation with them Like, hey, man, are you feeling this way?
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Let's talk about it, let's work through it.
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And you know I'm fighting through these times with a little Paisley to get her on track, to, you know, to to get to get through this.
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But my wife, knowing that that's what I'm doing, I think is helpful.
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And her having the patience with me, knowing what's going on, I think is helpful.
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And you know you don't want, every time that you're spending time with your little one, to have some kind of struggle that you have to work through.
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And I'm not saying that's the situation.
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I'm just saying there is times when it happens and sometimes we work through them together and other times it's like you know what.
00:21:48.190 --> 00:21:54.823
I'm better off just trying this again later, because I'm not going to continue to just kind of pound on this one situation here.
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So I really wanted to put that out there.
00:21:56.945 --> 00:22:12.792
I thought it was kind of fitting to have this conversation and talk directly to the dads out there to let y'all know hey, man, this shit happens and with the wife not being here and the baby not being here, I felt like this is a good opportunity to put those things on the table.
00:22:12.792 --> 00:22:21.974
What's completely ironic with this conversation is the fact that for my entire life I have never been a guy for babies.
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Okay, I could care less about babies.
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I've always been that way and I knew that if I ever had a child I would feel differently.
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But it's still really crazy to me to be in this situation now where, coming from a lifetime of not caring about a baby and their attention and the opportunity to hold your baby, all that stuff right, I was never a guy for babies, period.
00:22:46.990 --> 00:23:00.432
At no point in my life have I been interested in spending time with babies, so now to be in a situation where my baby doesn't want to spend as much time with me and that's got me fired up is a real ridiculous coin flip here.
00:23:00.432 --> 00:23:09.863
Okay, you would think that me a couple years ago in this situation would be like great, doesn't want to spend time with me, I'll see her when she's six, all right, awesome.
