Welcome to our new website!
May 15, 2024

Laughter, Loss, and the Lessons of Life's Transitions 201

Laughter, Loss, and the Lessons of Life's Transitions 201

As I sit down to share this episode with you, my heart is heavy with the tender reflections on the loss of my godfather, Big Al Spencer, yet it's also lightened by the joy of new beginnings as we navigate the complexities of personal growth and emotional healing, touching on the bittersweet realities that come with change. With the warmth of cherished family tales and the honesty of personal challenges, we journey through the highs and lows together, uncovering the strength in vulnerability and the power of connection.

Our paths of growth are never straightforward, and this episode is a celebration of that messy, beautiful process. Reflecting on the brotherhood and bonds that have shaped us, acknowledging the unspoken ties that continue to influence our stories.

Ending on a note of encouragement, I extend a heartfelt invitation to embrace the transformative journey of self-improvement. As we contemplate the legacies left by those we've lost, the connections that sustain us, and the acceptance of life's shifts, I hope to inspire a mindset geared toward healing and betterment. By sharing these moments with you, I aim to foster a community reminding us to keep a smile ready, even amidst life's transitions.

If you found value in today's show please return the favor and leave a positive review and share it with someone important to you! https://www.sharethestrugglepodcast.com/reviews/new/
Find all you need to know about the show https://www.sharethestrugglepodcast.com/
Official Facebook Page https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100077724159859

Join the 2% of Americans that Buy American and support American Together we can bring back American Manufacturing https://www.loudproudamerican.shop/
Loud Proud American Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loudproudamerican
Loud Proud American Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/loud_proud_american/
Loud Proud American TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@loud_proud_american
Loud Proud American YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmYQtOt6KVURuySWYQ2GWtw

Thank you for Supporting My American Dream!

Chapters

00:00 - Emotional Healing and Growth

10:17 - Big Al Spencer and Family Connection

20:10 - Remembering Family Bonds and Brotherhood

33:06 - Exciting News for Friends

37:52 - Emotional Reflection on Father Figures

51:01 - Navigating Grief and Finding Healing

01:02:02 - Embracing Growth and Change

Transcript
WEBVTT

00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:01.860
What up podcast peeps?

00:00:01.860 --> 00:00:06.224
I figured I would start today's show with a little confessional.

00:00:06.224 --> 00:00:21.254
Just to let you know, I've had a difficult time coming up with the opening line, the subject line, the little preview of what's to be, what's meant to be, on today's episode, episode 201 of Share the Struggle podcast Share the Struggle podcast.

00:00:21.254 --> 00:00:31.362
So because I can't come up with some creative, catchy little intro, I'm just going to let you know.

00:00:31.362 --> 00:00:42.287
Today we are going to ride the waves, we are going to climb the mountain of emotion, because today, on Share the Struggle podcast, we're going to tell you what we've been doing, what we're about to be doing, combined with something I wish I wasn't doing.

00:00:42.287 --> 00:00:53.348
We continue our quest to write version 2.0 of you and Me, and I share a few stories of one of the most important men to me.

00:00:53.348 --> 00:00:57.146
Let me tell you something Everybody struggles.

00:00:57.146 --> 00:01:02.646
The difference is some people choose to go through it and some choose to grow through it.

00:01:02.646 --> 00:01:05.066
The choice is completely yours.

00:01:05.066 --> 00:01:10.989
Which one you choose will have a very profound effect on the way you live your life.

00:01:10.989 --> 00:01:18.725
If you find strength in the struggle, then this podcast is for you.

00:01:18.725 --> 00:01:25.596
Do you have a relationship that is comfortable with uncomfortable conversations?

00:01:25.596 --> 00:01:31.311
Uncomfortable conversations challenge you humble you and they build you.

00:01:31.311 --> 00:01:36.311
When you sprinkle a little time and distance on it, it all makes sense.

00:01:36.311 --> 00:01:41.471
Most disagreements, they stem from our own insecurities.

00:01:41.471 --> 00:01:45.769
You are right where you need to be.

00:01:45.769 --> 00:02:02.308
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

00:02:02.308 --> 00:02:05.554
What it do what it do Hot diggity, damn.

00:02:05.554 --> 00:02:05.990
Would you look at that, mm.

00:02:05.990 --> 00:02:06.174
Ooh, ooh, what it do what it do Hot diggity, damn.

00:02:06.174 --> 00:02:07.986
Would you look at that?

00:02:07.986 --> 00:02:14.893
Another beautiful week between me and you.

00:02:14.893 --> 00:02:17.525
How do you do, boo?

00:02:17.525 --> 00:02:27.812
I missed you and I thank you for tuning in every damn week for a consecutive streak of 201 weeks.

00:02:27.812 --> 00:02:39.729
Get your ones up, all my day ones, all my original ones, the ones that have been listening since day one, or those of you that have gone back and started to listen from said beginning.

00:02:39.729 --> 00:02:41.933
I appreciate you, I love you.

00:02:41.933 --> 00:02:44.884
Those of you that are just tuning in, you're just getting started.

00:02:44.884 --> 00:02:52.888
I know we have a few listeners out there that are just beginning to ride the train, this motivational love train that we're on.

00:02:52.888 --> 00:02:57.379
I want to say thank you for pitching in, for listening.

00:02:57.379 --> 00:03:04.234
I hope you all continue to share this show, to help it grow, to help it blossom.

00:03:04.234 --> 00:03:08.039
I appreciate you, I appreciate you, I thank you.

00:03:08.039 --> 00:03:10.584
Don't forget to hit subscribe.

00:03:10.584 --> 00:03:11.445
Grow the tribe.

00:03:11.445 --> 00:03:13.530
You know, spread a little love.

00:03:13.530 --> 00:03:14.009
You know what I mean.

00:03:14.009 --> 00:03:15.954
Leave a review, say, how do you do?

00:03:15.954 --> 00:03:18.165
Share the show with someone?

00:03:18.165 --> 00:03:19.169
You know?

00:03:19.169 --> 00:03:22.221
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

00:03:22.221 --> 00:03:22.882
All right, y'all.

00:03:22.882 --> 00:03:23.462
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

00:03:23.462 --> 00:03:23.782
All right, y'all.

00:03:23.802 --> 00:03:38.836
So last week, when we were chatting and reminiscing and celebrating our accomplishments of 200 episodes and we were on our way to version 2.0 of you and me, I hope to continue some of that.

00:03:38.836 --> 00:03:53.405
Today, I'm going to try to get to version 2.0 and address a little thing called healing, because I think it's going to connect a lot of the messages that we've been spreading over the past few weeks and some of the lessons that I've been learning.

00:03:53.405 --> 00:03:58.662
So I furthered my research a little bit and did a little digging on some healing.

00:03:58.662 --> 00:04:01.866
Yeah, I don't know why I keep making that noise today.

00:04:01.866 --> 00:04:17.064
So in regards to version 2.0, I'm going to try to wrap some of that into this week's show no promises, y'all because I got a few things that I'm going to need to get off my chest Before we get there.

00:04:17.064 --> 00:04:19.596
Just to give you guys a little recap.

00:04:19.636 --> 00:04:24.050
Last week when we were chatting, I said, hey, this is going to be my last week home for quite some time.

00:04:24.050 --> 00:04:27.466
So over the weekend I was trying to get some things done.

00:04:27.466 --> 00:04:41.870
I didn't really plan on dedicating a full Saturday to working on the horse field, but just had to be done, just kind of showing up a few things before you hit the road, to kind of add a little peace of mind, right?

00:04:41.870 --> 00:04:46.120
So, uh, over the weekend I spent some time working on the horse field.

00:04:46.120 --> 00:04:51.930
I actually, uh, installed a solar paneled electric fence charging unit.

00:04:51.930 --> 00:04:55.081
Um, so I have two systems, okay.

00:04:55.081 --> 00:05:10.230
So one of them was an electric system that I have on an actual uh metal wire as kind of like a fallback option and uh, and I enclosed that one, weatherproofed it and reconnected everything make sure that was good, shut up the fence quite a bit.

00:05:11.382 --> 00:05:13.793
And last year the wife purchased a solar powered unit.

00:05:13.793 --> 00:05:16.704
We didn't really have all the pieces so I had to manufacture something.

00:05:16.704 --> 00:05:22.865
So I made a stand and a post and a pole and did all the connections and did a bunch of fancy stuff.

00:05:22.865 --> 00:05:44.488
So I'm feeling really good, feeling comfortable that we've secured the horse fence and you know you can just kind of take that off your plate when you're on your road, so you're not really stressing and worrying about something going wrong and you know having to try to talk, you know, like the wife or my mother, through trying to fix those things and putting them in, that you know that difficult position.

00:05:44.528 --> 00:06:05.257
So I feel good getting those things done and then again really spending some time addressing the schedule, sending out some feelers still trying to add a few things to shirt up a few things for the business, and then focusing on the school bus quite a bit and I'm definitely behind schedule on the bus with everything happening.

00:06:05.257 --> 00:06:10.290
I just haven't really got into it and I haven't really had the cash flow to get started on it.

00:06:10.290 --> 00:06:18.704
What I should have done is really focused on a few things that didn't cost very much to get started, which I'm gonna blame it on the weather.

00:06:18.704 --> 00:06:21.379
Okay, I'm just gonna say with all the rain I couldn't have done it anyway.

00:06:21.379 --> 00:06:23.363
So let's just, let's just leave it at that, all right.

00:06:24.084 --> 00:06:27.511
But uh, yeah, I spent some time working on the bus.

00:06:27.511 --> 00:06:34.658
I had to patch a few holes in the body, I had to uh clean up a cab corner and uh, do some things which I don't want to.

00:06:34.658 --> 00:06:35.940
Don't, let's not get it twisted.

00:06:35.940 --> 00:06:39.024
Okay, I'm not some some body guy.

00:06:39.024 --> 00:06:40.125
Okay, I'm not.

00:06:40.125 --> 00:06:44.050
You know, john, to see body guy over here.

00:06:44.050 --> 00:06:51.016
No, I'm not Just enough to get by, just enough to fill holes so that I can get inspections.

00:06:51.016 --> 00:07:05.129
Nothing to look fancy, so don't get it twisted, but a lot of cleaning on the bus and doing some patchwork on the bus, stripping decals and all that stuff off of it, just trying to progress in the right direction.

00:07:05.129 --> 00:07:24.745
It's feeling like it's a bigger challenge than I had hoped for, but we're taking a stab at it because the first few events of the year they're going to be small enough that I can kind of handle out of the back of a pickup truck, but pretty soon I'm going to need the old tour bus and that old tour bus needs some love and some help.

00:07:24.745 --> 00:07:27.872
So yeah, we're working on that.

00:07:27.872 --> 00:07:35.841
With that said, the old 2024 road show for loud, proud american is about to really pick up the pace.

00:07:35.920 --> 00:07:41.252
This weekend, as I mentioned last weekend, is going to be the ledgeway farm open house.

00:07:41.252 --> 00:07:43.985
So if you're a maniac, you're a main.

00:07:43.985 --> 00:07:51.983
You happen to be in the area, you can get out to Pittston, maine, I believe.

00:07:51.983 --> 00:07:52.925
It's 10 am to 3 pm on Saturday.

00:07:52.925 --> 00:07:59.322
Matt and Sarah opening up the farm to all of us, welcoming in some vendors, a food truck, some live entertainment, barn tours, goat snuggling.

00:07:59.322 --> 00:08:01.024
You get the behind the scenes.

00:08:01.024 --> 00:08:03.949
Look at all the products and how they get made.

00:08:03.949 --> 00:08:14.810
I've already told y'all Liberty, family, exclusive on the ledgeway, farm products that's how we rock and roll all of our soaps to clean your soul.

00:08:14.810 --> 00:08:20.021
Okay, I could have said something different there that rhymes with soul, but I didn't, I didn't, I didn't.

00:08:20.021 --> 00:08:25.685
Y'all point I'm making here is a great family, great cause, great reason to come on out.

00:08:25.685 --> 00:08:33.613
Hope to see you there on Saturday and then on Sunday we're going to be doing our first ever Bon Eagle car show for us.

00:08:34.620 --> 00:08:52.311
So Saturday, actually, we're going to get up to Matt and Sarah set up, have that event and then I have to rush from there to the field for the car show to get my vendor spot, to put my tent up, to start building that, so I can come back first thing in the morning to fill it and get through the car show.

00:08:52.311 --> 00:09:31.094
And as I opened up the show, I had to let you know that I wanted to inform everybody about what we've been doing, which you know gave you a little taste of what we've been up to, what we're about to do with the schedule and the things that are going to happen, and then something that I don't want to do, and that something that I don't want to do is going to be Sunday after the Bonnie Eagle Car Show, and that's really what I'm going to talk about and focus on today, because on Friday I received a call that changed it all when it comes to my plans and what I was prepared for.

00:09:31.094 --> 00:09:37.272
We're going to get into that on today's episode of Share the Struggle Podcast.

00:09:37.272 --> 00:09:50.961
Gotcha loud, proud.

00:09:50.961 --> 00:09:57.592
American is a lifestyle brand dedicated and determined to represent the american spirit, with an unrelenting commitment to provide made in the usa products.

00:09:57.592 --> 00:10:07.933
If you would like to join the two percent of americans that buy american and support american, head on over to wwwlalproudamericanshop.

00:10:07.933 --> 00:10:13.192
Together, we can bring back American manufacturing.

00:10:13.192 --> 00:10:17.009
All right, all right, all right.

00:10:17.980 --> 00:10:20.008
Hey y'all, any of you own dogs?

00:10:20.008 --> 00:10:21.525
Do you have dogs out there?

00:10:21.525 --> 00:10:28.052
Well, I got to let you know that I've got two dogs, if you don't already know.

00:10:28.052 --> 00:10:51.023
I got a French Bulldog and an English Bulldog, and the Frenchie is on the couch upside down looking at me with her cheeks basically touching the cushions of the couch, while upside down, and the English is over here next to my feet sleeping on a cow hide and he just cut a toot.

00:10:51.023 --> 00:10:55.210
That warmed my lungs.

00:10:55.210 --> 00:10:56.532
You ever been there?

00:10:56.532 --> 00:11:03.533
Y'all ever had one of your animals fart so bad that the actual temperature in the room goes up?

00:11:03.533 --> 00:11:13.780
I wish I would have got a look at the thermostat before Folsom cut it too, because I'm confident that it bumped up two degrees the humidity way up.

00:11:13.780 --> 00:11:30.809
But when one of your pets just cuts cheese so deliberately that it robs all your senses Like it's so bad that your core temp goes up, okay, your lungs fill with moisture and humidity.

00:11:30.809 --> 00:11:35.589
Your nostrils burning, intense burning.

00:11:35.589 --> 00:11:40.929
You ever have that when, like the toot is so hot, it burns your throat.

00:11:40.929 --> 00:11:46.025
God, what an absolute asshole he is.

00:11:46.025 --> 00:11:51.014
Both y'all, both y'all are dicks man.

00:11:51.014 --> 00:11:58.945
You might hear him snoring in the background and today you might actually hear one of them shit themselves in the background.

00:12:00.287 --> 00:12:04.352
I digress, I uh, you know awkward opening to segment two of the show.

00:12:04.352 --> 00:12:11.083
Here In segment two of the show, I want to talk about somebody.

00:12:11.083 --> 00:12:24.467
I want to talk about Big Al Spencer, my godfather, alan Spencer, and normally you wouldn't start off a conversation about somebody that's so close to you and important to you by talking about farts.

00:12:24.467 --> 00:12:28.864
Somebody that's, uh, so close to you and important to you by talking about farts.

00:12:28.864 --> 00:12:38.587
But I know big alan he actually absolutely would love that we started his conversation talking about my dog shitting himself because he thinks farts are hilarious.

00:12:38.587 --> 00:12:44.227
And if you don't think farts are hilarious then I mean maybe we shouldn't be friends.

00:12:44.227 --> 00:12:46.812
All right, I agree to disagree here.

00:12:46.812 --> 00:12:53.009
So what I want to kind of talk to you guys about is um number one.

00:12:53.230 --> 00:13:12.270
I want to talk about the man that we're about to chat about, uh, alan Spencer, big Al and, um, some of the connection he has to my life and the connection between him and my father and my mother and the impact that has really come from all of them.

00:13:12.270 --> 00:13:17.893
So Big Al is one of my dad's best friends.

00:13:17.893 --> 00:13:34.354
They've been best friends since long before I was born, and Alan's wife, dawn, and my mother were best friends long before I was born, obviously, and actually long before my mother and father actually met.

00:13:34.354 --> 00:13:46.626
So my mom was previously married to somebody in a motorcycle club who, for lack of a better term, was a real piece of shit, who, for lack of a better term, was a real piece of shit and didn't treat my mother well.

00:13:46.626 --> 00:13:56.354
And she had a child, my brother Charlie, who is in prison, who my mother has not been able to see for many years.

00:13:56.354 --> 00:14:01.076
Unfortunately, my wife's never met my brother because she's been in prison the entire time.

00:14:01.076 --> 00:14:09.201
But that's a whole other subject for a whole other time.

00:14:09.261 --> 00:14:24.894
So my mom, during this relationship she forms a friendship with Alan and Dawn Spencer, and my dad and Alan are like best friends and they're always out hauling junk cars and doing demolition stuff.

00:14:24.894 --> 00:14:32.659
Right, they're always finding scrap metal and hauling cars and dropping metal buildings and doing all kinds of crazy, dangerous things together.

00:14:32.659 --> 00:14:36.530
And that's just how they were right.

00:14:36.530 --> 00:14:58.591
So my dad at this time you know divorced, started a family separated, you know moves to Maine, spending all this time with Alan working and, uh, I can tell you this story because this story comes from Big Al and he's told me this story so many times.

00:14:58.591 --> 00:15:08.746
He actually told me this story last week again, even though the last six times I've talked to him, either on the phone or in person, he's told me the same story.

00:15:08.746 --> 00:15:17.073
But I understand the reason why he's telling me the same story because he misses his best friend and so do I.

00:15:19.558 --> 00:15:22.244
Before I tell the story, I want to apologize for my emotion.

00:15:22.244 --> 00:15:44.178
This conversation is going to be a little bit tough for me to get through Because, number one, it talks about Alan and what he means to me, but it also draws connections and parallels to my father and brings a lot of things up.

00:15:44.178 --> 00:15:50.993
So Big Al, every time he gets the chance he has to tell me hey, did I ever tell you about the first time I saw your mother and father together?

00:15:50.993 --> 00:15:51.876
Did I ever tell you this story?

00:15:51.876 --> 00:15:54.224
And I just let him tell it because he's just that excited about it.

00:15:54.224 --> 00:15:57.311
So I'm like no man, just let it rip, man, let it rip.

00:15:57.831 --> 00:16:06.591
And uh, he says you know, I saw your father with your mother and I couldn't believe it.

00:16:06.591 --> 00:16:07.332
Now, behind you.

00:16:07.332 --> 00:16:10.985
I've known both of them for years before they knew each other.

00:16:10.985 --> 00:16:16.241
I just never in a million years knew them to know each other or saw them together.

00:16:16.241 --> 00:16:24.224
So I bumped into your father and your mother together and I lost my mind and I went home to dawn.

00:16:24.224 --> 00:16:28.423
I raced home and I said you ain't gonna fucking believe it.

00:16:28.423 --> 00:16:30.047
You ain't gonna believe it.

00:16:30.047 --> 00:16:31.490
And Don says what?

00:16:31.490 --> 00:16:32.952
What am I not gonna believe?

00:16:32.952 --> 00:16:35.985
You ain't gonna fucking believe it.

00:16:35.985 --> 00:16:37.951
And Don says what am I?

00:16:37.951 --> 00:16:38.812
What are you talking about?

00:16:38.812 --> 00:16:45.004
Yeah, boy, I wait till I tell you who the fuck I saw together.

00:16:45.706 --> 00:16:56.914
And Todd's like well, just tell me, you won't believe who I saw together, you're going to fucking shit, you're not going to believe it Again.

00:16:56.914 --> 00:17:04.364
I apologize for all the profanity in this conversation, but when I'm talking about Big Al and my dad, this is how they talk.

00:17:04.364 --> 00:17:06.508
So if I'm going to recreate one of their stories, lord, I apologize.

00:17:06.508 --> 00:17:14.707
Okay, so forewarned here, I should have given this to Kramer previous to the first 17 F-bombs.

00:17:14.707 --> 00:17:17.828
I apologize, I do apologize.

00:17:17.828 --> 00:17:21.469
So Alan says to Don, you're not going to believe this shit.

00:17:21.469 --> 00:17:27.782
And she just says well, tell me, are you going to tell not gonna believe this shit?

00:17:27.782 --> 00:17:29.446
And she just says well, tell me, are you gonna tell me already who it is?

00:17:29.446 --> 00:17:30.087
And he said I saw art, liberty.

00:17:30.087 --> 00:17:33.094
And don says great, you see art every damn day.

00:17:33.094 --> 00:17:36.141
No, you're not gonna believe who I saw him with.

00:17:36.141 --> 00:17:40.445
Just tell me, betty, I saw art with betty.

00:17:40.445 --> 00:17:44.391
She says Betty, betty, who Sanborn?

00:17:44.391 --> 00:17:46.713
You're fucking kidding me.

00:17:48.415 --> 00:17:54.291
Alan says to me from that moment I don't think your father ever left your mother's side again.

00:17:54.291 --> 00:18:02.564
And we knew if there was one, if there was one man that was going to get your mother out of the situation that she was in.

00:18:02.564 --> 00:18:12.885
It was, it was him, it was your father, and we were just so tickled because they were our best friends and then to have our best friends together, it just meant so much to them.

00:18:12.885 --> 00:18:18.840
So he shares that story and he'll often tell me right after that.

00:18:18.840 --> 00:18:23.584
He'll say did you know that I was your father's best man at the wedding?

00:18:23.584 --> 00:18:24.285
Did you know that?

00:18:24.285 --> 00:18:29.568
I said, well, al, yeah, actually, you told me, but you know Well.

00:18:29.568 --> 00:18:30.869
Here's how it goes.

00:18:30.869 --> 00:18:37.474
I'm home one night having a couple beers and your father calls me and says what are you doing?

00:18:37.474 --> 00:18:38.776
And I said not much.

00:18:38.776 --> 00:18:44.242
And he says all right, come on over, I think I'm getting married, I need you to be my best man.

00:18:44.242 --> 00:18:44.864
And that's how it went.

00:18:44.864 --> 00:18:47.571
He said, all right, let me finish my beer and I'll be right there.

00:18:47.571 --> 00:18:49.383
And he says you know what?

00:18:49.383 --> 00:18:54.428
Go on over to the house and I'm the best man, and your mother and your father are getting married.

00:18:54.428 --> 00:18:56.949
And he said and that's just kind of how things went.

00:18:59.400 --> 00:19:11.881
He'd tell me so many stories about my old man, so many stories, even when my dad was here and would sit down together all of us at you know campfires or something, or up at Alan's camp, at Camp Cocotosi he would.

00:19:11.881 --> 00:19:16.482
He would always tell these stories and they would just reminisce about all these these things.

00:19:16.482 --> 00:19:23.506
And then, uh, when my dad passed and I was talking to Alan on the phone, he shared so many of these stories.

00:19:23.506 --> 00:19:30.508
He was in Florida and he couldn't make it home for the service and, uh, it was really tearing him apart that he couldn't.

00:19:30.508 --> 00:19:50.070
So we shared a lot of conversations, a lot of stories and, uh, man, one of the hardest phone calls I've ever had to make Was calling Alan Spencer when my dad died.

00:19:50.070 --> 00:20:05.546
There's a few men in this world that were really close to my dad, that were second fathers to me, and Alan was one of them.

00:20:10.182 --> 00:20:22.633
So when I called Alan to tell him that my father passed, it killed me, I could.

00:20:22.633 --> 00:20:26.326
I could feel it through the phone.

00:20:26.326 --> 00:20:34.386
I could feel the heartbreak and the pain through the phone and I knew how I was feeling.

00:20:34.386 --> 00:20:40.969
He was feeling the same way and he kept saying, son, I love you.

00:20:40.969 --> 00:20:46.237
I love you, son, and your daddy's always going to be with you.

00:20:46.237 --> 00:20:51.013
I love you, son, your dad is always going to be with you.

00:20:51.013 --> 00:20:56.240
I'm always going to be here for you too.

00:20:56.240 --> 00:21:05.131
He would just keep telling me I can't wait to come home and sit with you and tell you more stories about your dad.

00:21:05.151 --> 00:21:21.406
And I remember just sitting in the car and listening to stories about my dad and it started off with us crying and it ended up with us having a lot of laughs and then some more crying.

00:21:21.406 --> 00:21:46.471
He told me all the battle stories and so many of them I heard before and so many I've heard from my dad's point of view and Big Al's point of view, and the time that Alan was hanging some dude by his feet over the side of the Socko Bridge looking to drop him in and my dad's telling him would you quit fucking around with him and either drop him or bring him back on this side of the bridge so we can get back to work.

00:21:46.471 --> 00:21:52.063
I heard all these stories when I was sitting in the car.

00:21:52.063 --> 00:21:58.314
It was just comforting to hear these stories and to be connected to my dad.

00:21:58.314 --> 00:22:01.345
I felt like when I was talking to Al.

00:22:01.345 --> 00:22:03.692
It was like I was hearing stories from my dad.

00:22:03.692 --> 00:22:21.545
I was reminiscing and I felt like that little kid again, you know, wide-eyed around the campfire, listening to these stories about my hero, about my heroes, these two larger-than-life men in my life, and so I just felt like a little kid again, just laughing and listening to stories.

00:22:21.605 --> 00:22:41.469
And Alan was telling me about this time that, uh, my dad was in Massachusetts and one of his sisters was dating this guy, that that beat her up pretty bad and my dad went on a mission to find him and uh, I've heard this story from my dad so many times about the actual fight when he found him.

00:22:41.469 --> 00:22:55.892
And he said that he says to me I beat that boy so bad, his eyeball was hanging out of his head and uh, I thought for sure that I might have killed him, so I knew I had to get out of town.

00:22:55.892 --> 00:22:59.585
No shit, that's, that's my dad.

00:22:59.585 --> 00:23:03.770
Statue of limitations has, uh, has passed, and so has my dad.

00:23:03.770 --> 00:23:11.031
So you really can't come for me if my dad, you know, killed one of your family members or something in Massachusetts.

00:23:12.721 --> 00:23:51.068
But he tells me the story about how he was beating this guy so bad and his eyeball was hanging out of his head and he left the state and came to Maine and he came home to my mom and they were in their trailer and he was trying to explain himself and to unwind and to calm down and my aunt and some other family members were calling him and threatening him or telling him that, hey, this guy, he's hurt real bad, he's in the hospital, but his friends, they're coming for you.

00:23:51.068 --> 00:23:54.289
There's a whole posse of them coming for you.

00:23:54.289 --> 00:23:58.611
They've got guns and knives and everything.

00:23:58.611 --> 00:24:00.125
They're coming for you.

00:24:00.125 --> 00:24:06.799
And so people would either tell him what was coming or to threaten him with what was coming.

00:24:06.799 --> 00:24:10.026
And uh, I believe it was my.

00:24:10.026 --> 00:24:17.481
My mom had called Alan and said uh, hey, uh, you think you could come on over?

00:24:17.481 --> 00:24:28.511
Uh, there's a bunch of people headed this way Art beat somebody up real bad in Massachusetts and apparently there's a, there's a bunch of them that are, uh, that are, that are on their way.

00:24:28.511 --> 00:24:33.971
And uh, alan says, all right, yeah, let me just finish this beer and then I'll be right on over.

00:24:33.971 --> 00:24:37.787
So he tells me I finished my beer I had.

00:24:37.846 --> 00:24:47.900
Over there, your dad's just kind of hanging out, everybody's freaking out, and it's just me and your old man, you know, and all the women are freaking out about what's going to happen.

00:24:47.900 --> 00:24:55.965
And all these people are coming in and uh, your dad's calm, cool and collective, cause he knows that the two of us can, can figure this out.

00:24:55.965 --> 00:25:01.526
He's like and I come rolling in, you know, about a half hour later and and, uh, asking, asking, you know what the hell's going on?

00:25:01.526 --> 00:25:02.607
And everybody's freaking out.

00:25:02.607 --> 00:25:10.545
Everybody's freaking out, saying there's 15 of them, there's 20 of them, they're on their way.

00:25:10.545 --> 00:25:14.972
And my dad told him yep, well, just meet me at the end of the driveway.

00:25:14.972 --> 00:25:18.095
And everybody's freaking out about it.

00:25:18.095 --> 00:25:32.345
And how calm and collective that my dad and Big Al are and these people are going to come down here and just, it's a lynch mob coming to get him right, right, and everybody's freaking out oh, they're all coming from Massachusetts, they'll be here any time.

00:25:32.345 --> 00:25:39.070
Alan says I'm finishing one of my beers, I put it down on the counter and I said, well, that'd be a damn shame.

00:25:39.070 --> 00:25:43.650
And they look at him and says it'd be a damn shame to drive all that way just for an ass-whooping.

00:25:43.650 --> 00:25:51.569
It'd be a damn shame to drive all that way just to get your ass whooped.

00:25:51.569 --> 00:25:55.883
That's Big Alan, my dad.

00:25:56.625 --> 00:26:08.222
Two dudes willing to take on a freaking lynch mob, Two dudes willing to take on the world, two dudes that were willing to take on anything for their family, for their friends.

00:26:08.222 --> 00:26:18.044
It's all that mattered to them and they both worked their ass off to provide for their family and their friends.

00:26:18.044 --> 00:26:28.567
And when I was growing up, alan and Dawn's kids became my family and Chris was born before I was.

00:26:28.567 --> 00:26:39.909
Chris was born before my mom and dad got married, but Travis and I were born around the same time and we grew up together and Kyle was quickly behind me.

00:26:39.909 --> 00:26:58.309
So Travis, kyle and Chris have become brothers to me and years ago I lost my brother to cancer, and years ago ago I lost my brother to cancer, and years ago Travis and Kyle lost their brother Chris, and we've kind of shared that battle together, that struggle together.

00:26:58.369 --> 00:27:02.269
And throughout the years if you guys have been listening, you've heard my family.

00:27:02.269 --> 00:27:15.526
That's disowned me that I see a supposed blood brother every single day that refuses to wave at me or to look at me and we both have just made the decision that neither one exists and that's fine too.

00:27:15.526 --> 00:27:24.587
But during all this time I've realized that Kyle and Travis, those are my brothers, that we've been through the fire together.

00:27:24.587 --> 00:27:28.508
That's my family and I've always looked at them as brothers.

00:27:28.508 --> 00:27:57.311
And every time I've seen Alan, he's always called me son and you know he's told everybody that he is my godfather, but he's always told me that you know, I'm your dad, I'm your second dad, and Travis and I are both big boys and Travis is somebody that actually makes me look and feel small, so it's kind of hard to be next to him because I'm not comfortable with being the smaller of males in the room.

00:27:57.311 --> 00:28:14.803
So because of the size of uh of Alan's boys, my dad used to always say I'm pretty sure this one might be yours too, and I always had this running joke about um, alan being my dad, right, because they were always, always together, and um, we're all big boys now, right.

00:28:16.385 --> 00:28:20.594
When my dad passed, um, alan and Don were in Florida, so was Kyle.

00:28:20.594 --> 00:28:28.801
Travis was here and uh, he was by our side and uh, the drop of a hat, at a moment's notice, he was, he was there.

00:28:28.801 --> 00:28:42.651
And I actually have this really fond memory of being at my dad's service and the slideshow was playing at the end of the service and I looked out and I could see Travis sitting there holding my mother.

00:28:42.651 --> 00:28:54.873
They were watching it together and Travis was taking photos and sending them to Alan and Don in Florida and they checked in on us all the time.

00:28:54.873 --> 00:28:59.422
They were great for my mother sending things to my mom.

00:28:59.422 --> 00:29:03.865
A blanket of my dad left true to Alan's word.

00:29:03.925 --> 00:29:48.332
During that conversation he told me he would always be here for me, and there's been a couple men that were really close to my dad that have continued the obligation of checking in on me, that they refused to let me go the other way.

00:29:48.332 --> 00:29:52.352
If I don't answer the phone, they'll call again.

00:29:52.352 --> 00:29:53.657
If I don't answer the phone, they'll call again.

00:29:53.657 --> 00:29:56.325
If I don't answer that time, they'll call again.

00:29:56.325 --> 00:29:59.373
If it's not that day, then it's the next day.

00:29:59.373 --> 00:30:08.646
One of those men is my uncle, my dad's little brother.

00:30:08.646 --> 00:30:24.509
When my dad's little brother that, when my dad's father passed, when my grandfather passed, my dad was, I want to say, early 20s and my uncle maybe was around five and my dad really stepped up to take care of him.

00:30:24.509 --> 00:30:38.016
And I feel like my uncle considers it his duty, his obligation, to be there for me.

00:30:38.016 --> 00:30:58.799
So if I'm busy and I don't answer the phone or he just thinks that I skipped it, he'll call me again, me again.

00:30:58.799 --> 00:31:01.866
And the other thing that he likes to do is call me or have his wife call my aunt and say, hey, where are you?

00:31:01.866 --> 00:31:16.454
We're five minutes from your house and I'll come over, which is always great to see him, and my uncle will have these conversations with me that he knows my dad would have.

00:31:16.454 --> 00:31:25.271
The other man that does that is Big Al.

00:31:25.271 --> 00:31:39.989
Alan's been in Florida so I have not been able to see him, but he lets me know.

00:31:39.989 --> 00:31:51.983
He lets me know and we've had some great conversations and he keeps telling me that you know, when I get home we're gonna, we're gonna get together.

00:31:54.386 --> 00:32:06.673
The thing about these two is that they know what my dad would say, they know what my dad would think, they know how he would feel.

00:32:06.673 --> 00:32:16.423
So it's easy for me to relate to the information they're giving me because it's the closest thing I'm going to get to my dad.

00:32:16.423 --> 00:32:23.983
It's the closest thing that exists to my dad's beliefs, to his philosophies, to his preachings, to his feelings.

00:32:23.983 --> 00:32:24.564
It's them.

00:32:24.564 --> 00:32:38.750
And when it comes to Alan, and when I talk to Al, he talks to me the way my dad would talk to me when I gave you a 17 F-bomb laced story a few minutes ago.

00:32:38.750 --> 00:32:41.153
That's how my father would talk to me.

00:32:41.153 --> 00:32:49.986
So when I hear something from Al, it's like I'm hearing it from my dad, because they were the same, like they're the same men, like.

00:32:49.986 --> 00:32:58.189
It's hard to explain, but it's the, it's the closest piece to fatherly advice that I'll ever get.

00:32:58.189 --> 00:33:04.726
So when I hear from them, when I speak to them, I try to take it for all that it is.

00:33:06.449 --> 00:33:24.246
So when we found out that we were going to have a child, when we found out that I was finally going to be a dad, there was a list of people a short list of people, that we said we can't let them find out on social media.

00:33:24.246 --> 00:33:32.111
We need to call them, we need to speak to them, we need to visit them, we need to do whatever we can possibly do.

00:33:32.111 --> 00:33:37.612
So not everybody we could go to face-to-face, but the ones that we could.

00:33:37.612 --> 00:33:38.492
That's what we did.

00:33:38.492 --> 00:33:52.734
The ones that we couldn't, then we had to reach out and make calls and do whatever we could, and one of the things that we tried to do when given the opportunity to tell somebody in person, we tried to video it.

00:33:52.734 --> 00:33:56.009
We tried to capture that memory.

00:33:57.519 --> 00:34:12.568
So we've been reaching out to Alan and Don because we wanted to share some news with them and they were busy and they were on the road and they were like fishing and camping and doing all these things and they were with other people and we wanted it to just.

00:34:12.568 --> 00:34:14.266
We didn't want it to be a phone call.

00:34:14.266 --> 00:34:20.719
We wanted to do a FaceTime, we wanted to have that reaction and we didn't want them to, you know, be surrounded by a bunch of people.

00:34:20.719 --> 00:34:53.094
So we told them I think it was Easter weekend and we did a FaceTime, and the FaceTime was hilarious, mind you, because I mean, just just figuring out the FaceTime, just getting everything situated in itself was was hilarious, and I think I spent a great deal of time talking to either Alan or Dawn's forehead or hairline instead of actually them.

00:34:53.094 --> 00:35:01.215
But while we were doing this, ali actually recorded the screen.

00:35:02.722 --> 00:35:10.295
So I am fortunate enough to have this and to just play a few minutes of it for you.

00:35:10.295 --> 00:35:12.985
So let's see how this goes real quick.

00:35:12.985 --> 00:35:14.710
Say hi to him.

00:35:14.710 --> 00:35:16.132
I did say hi.

00:35:16.132 --> 00:35:17.074
Can you see her?

00:35:17.074 --> 00:35:19.045
I see her.

00:35:19.045 --> 00:35:19.166
There.

00:35:19.166 --> 00:35:21.436
She is, man, we see her, I see her.

00:35:21.436 --> 00:35:25.659
Hey, go on and try and move the phone and get ready.

00:35:25.659 --> 00:35:28.150
I said you can't do that.

00:35:28.150 --> 00:35:31.358
I'm trying to get your face in there.

00:35:31.358 --> 00:35:33.563
Where am I?

00:35:33.563 --> 00:35:36.007
Why am I a big fucking boss?

00:35:36.007 --> 00:35:41.568
Oh shit, hey, how good are you at babysitting?

00:35:41.568 --> 00:35:43.978
What's that?

00:35:43.978 --> 00:35:45.681
How good is Alan at babysitting?

00:35:45.681 --> 00:35:53.659
Uh, babysitting what?

00:35:53.659 --> 00:35:57.259
Your fucking grandkid?

00:35:57.259 --> 00:36:03.409
Uh, oh yeah, I could own a good girl, maybe a new one.

00:36:03.409 --> 00:36:11.065
Alright, awesome, awesome, awesome.

00:36:11.065 --> 00:36:12.835
We had to tell you guys.

00:36:12.835 --> 00:36:13.887
Awesome, awesome, awesome.

00:36:13.887 --> 00:36:14.677
We had to tell you guys.

00:36:14.677 --> 00:36:16.425
We really wanted to tell you.

00:36:16.425 --> 00:36:23.807
Oh, awesome, that's great, make it worth a squad.

00:36:23.807 --> 00:36:24.650
We'll take care of it.

00:36:24.650 --> 00:36:26.393
Congratulations.

00:36:26.393 --> 00:36:28.338
Thank you so much.

00:36:28.599 --> 00:36:30.086
We found out on my dad's birthday.

00:36:30.086 --> 00:36:32.938
Oh, no shit.

00:36:32.938 --> 00:36:34.777
When are you going to be due?

00:36:34.777 --> 00:36:36.514
September 15th?

00:36:36.514 --> 00:36:42.114
Oh, nice, yeah, yeah, so right around your birthday, keith, yeah, coming right up.

00:36:42.114 --> 00:36:45.978
Yeah, yeah, I'll give her a week or so to push that kid out.

00:36:45.978 --> 00:36:48.568
Then we got to go to the Freiburg fans.

00:36:48.568 --> 00:36:50.094
She better figure it out.

00:36:50.094 --> 00:36:53.981
There you go.

00:36:53.981 --> 00:36:56.382
Hey, there's shit, that's just gonna get done.

00:36:56.382 --> 00:36:58.965
We got a time schedule over here.

00:36:58.965 --> 00:37:00.666
Yeah, that's wow, that's great.

00:37:00.666 --> 00:37:02.126
That's great.

00:37:02.126 --> 00:37:04.369
Yeah, no, I needed to tell you first.

00:37:04.369 --> 00:37:09.512
I know he's working tonight, so I'll probably check in with him tomorrow.

00:37:09.512 --> 00:37:11.335
Awesome, awesome, that's great.

00:37:11.335 --> 00:37:12.635
We love you guys.

00:37:12.655 --> 00:37:16.798
We wanted to tell you We've got plenty of room for more grandchildren.

00:37:16.798 --> 00:37:20.599
We can have a granddaughter or we can have a grandson.

00:37:20.599 --> 00:37:25.724
We'll find out next month, april 26th, we find out what we're having.

00:37:25.724 --> 00:37:33.452
All right, I'm going to find out if I'm getting them just a car or a red truck.

00:37:33.452 --> 00:37:36.052
That sounds good.

00:37:36.052 --> 00:37:41.193
That sounds good, I'll be scared out with dolls and Tongas.

00:37:41.193 --> 00:37:43.690
Maybe I never mind the dolls, just kidding.

00:37:43.690 --> 00:37:44.494
There you go.

00:37:44.494 --> 00:37:49.240
Oh, I'm telling you that's awesome, I'm so happy, that's good.

00:37:52.045 --> 00:37:56.634
In that video you could see first off.

00:37:56.634 --> 00:38:01.947
You see how confused he is based off of what we're saying, because he doesn't know what we're trying to say.

00:38:01.947 --> 00:38:20.789
You know his grandkids yeah, I'm not getting along fine with my girls, but the minute that he realized I was going to have a kid, he started crying and he was so excited.

00:38:20.789 --> 00:38:33.596
He was so excited and his reaction is the closest thing I was ever going to get to telling my dad.

00:38:33.596 --> 00:38:35.965
It's the closest thing.

00:38:35.965 --> 00:38:42.007
So it meant so much to me.

00:38:45.940 --> 00:39:03.146
Now, if you have been listening along for the past few weeks and you hear the episode that I just recorded a couple weeks ago I don't remember what number it was now but, um, when I was having the episode about hey man, this isn't a conversation I really want to have it was an embarrassing one.

00:39:03.146 --> 00:39:19.152
It was a vulnerable one where I was talking about our agenda reveal and finding out that we were having a girl, not a boy, and all the hope that I put on healing, all the emphasis I put on healing, that I put on having a grandson for my dad.

00:39:19.152 --> 00:39:26.974
I shared with you guys those feelings and all the things that I went through finding out that we were having a girl.

00:39:26.974 --> 00:39:36.981
So two weeks ago, big Al calls me out of the blue and I answer the phone and we start shooting the shit.

00:39:36.981 --> 00:39:47.813
And he tells me hey, I'm going to be home on Sunday, travis is going to pick me up at the airport on Sunday and we want to come over and see you guys and catch up.

00:39:47.813 --> 00:40:00.545
And we were chatting and he again told me that, uh, did you know I was the best man that's your at your father's wedding?

00:40:00.545 --> 00:40:14.481
And he again told me some more stories and, and uh, we just kind of chatted and while we were talking about my dad, I said well, I thought I was giving my dad the grandson he always wanted, but I guess we're having a little girl.

00:40:15.903 --> 00:40:23.242
Instant reaction right off the cuff, right from the heart, exactly the way my old man would have delivered it.

00:40:23.242 --> 00:40:29.152
Alan says to me with a rings in decibels and octaves.

00:40:29.152 --> 00:40:32.007
He says, well, what the fuck does that matter?

00:40:32.007 --> 00:40:39.184
That doesn't make a fucking difference, that's it, that's my old man.

00:40:39.184 --> 00:40:42.067
My dad would have said that.

00:40:42.067 --> 00:40:44.208
My dad would have a thousand percent said that.

00:40:44.208 --> 00:40:50.748
When I told my mother that story, she started laughing and said well, that's your dad.

00:40:50.748 --> 00:40:55.144
And it's the same thing that my wife said, because that's exactly it.

00:40:55.144 --> 00:41:03.425
And those simple words, those simple, profanely laced words, those couple sentences, is all.

00:41:03.465 --> 00:41:09.603
The advice I needed, is all that I needed this entire time to know how my dad was feeling.

00:41:09.603 --> 00:41:23.481
Like it's crazy because so many people can give such great advice and I can look for all this research and I can read all these things and do all these great things to figure out what's the right thing and how to feel and what I should be doing and how I should be thinking.

00:41:23.481 --> 00:41:26.967
What the fuck does that matter?

00:41:26.967 --> 00:41:30.032
That doesn't make a difference, that's it.

00:41:30.032 --> 00:41:40.068
That, right there, smacked me back into reality and put everything into perspective and made me realize my dad doesn't care either, he's completely happy.

00:41:40.068 --> 00:41:49.197
And it would have exactly 1000% been what my dad would have said when we had the gender reveal and we told him we were having a girl.

00:41:49.197 --> 00:41:50.637
What the fuck does that matter?

00:41:50.637 --> 00:41:56.626
He doesn't care because it's us, and that's all he ever wanted was more of us.

00:41:58.130 --> 00:42:03.806
Big al was able to give me my dad's advice, my dad's words, my dad's feelings.

00:42:03.806 --> 00:42:12.400
He was able to deliver to me exactly what I needed to hear in exactly the way I needed to hear it, because my old man would deliver advice to me.

00:42:12.400 --> 00:42:20.923
That was rather matter of fact, like it was wasn't just advice, it was damn straight telling you how it was going to be.

00:42:20.923 --> 00:42:25.460
You didn't have the option or the luxury to feel or act any different way.

00:42:25.460 --> 00:42:27.204
It's a lot of matter of fact.

00:42:27.204 --> 00:42:28.246
This is how it is.

00:42:28.246 --> 00:42:30.409
This is where the bear shit's in the woods.

00:42:30.409 --> 00:42:32.574
This is how it's going to be.

00:42:32.574 --> 00:42:35.425
So when big al says, what the fuck does that matter?

00:42:35.425 --> 00:42:36.809
I knew right then.

00:42:36.809 --> 00:42:41.166
And there that was my old man smacking me in the mouth saying get over it.

00:42:41.166 --> 00:42:42.829
What, what does that matter?

00:42:42.829 --> 00:42:48.224
Hearing that from alan put my feelings at ease.

00:42:48.224 --> 00:42:50.246
It puts all of this at.

00:42:52.090 --> 00:42:58.505
We talked about girls and he said to me well, all my boys gave me girls too.

00:42:58.505 --> 00:43:01.451
Travis has a girl, chris had a girl.

00:43:01.451 --> 00:43:08.172
And I said, well, it must run in the family because I'm having a girl too, and we had a good laugh over it.

00:43:08.172 --> 00:43:10.905
And he says it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

00:43:10.905 --> 00:43:20.166
And he said no matter, boy or girl, you're going to raise them the way you want to raise them and they're going to be just like you, no matter what, and that's all that matters.

00:43:20.166 --> 00:43:28.034
And he told me all the joys of having granddaughters and how excited he was for us to add another one.

00:43:28.400 --> 00:43:44.632
And then we started talking about health issues and we were talking about some testing and some surgeries that he had to go through and, in true fashion and the true ways of him and my old man, he didn't show fear.

00:43:44.632 --> 00:43:50.989
You could hear the concern in his voice, but he said, son, if it's my time, it's my time.

00:43:50.989 --> 00:43:57.184
I have a damn good record if somebody wants to come for it.

00:43:57.184 --> 00:44:16.391
So we had a good conversation and there was times during the conversation when I wanted to ask him you're not calling me to say goodbye, are you?

00:44:16.391 --> 00:44:21.885
But I couldn't do it.

00:44:21.885 --> 00:45:00.947
I got off the phone with him and, as happy and joyful as I was, tears rolled down my face and I began to having the last conversation with my godfather because I felt he was saying goodbye to me and it killed me.

00:45:03.032 --> 00:45:05.505
They flew home on Sunday last week.

00:45:05.505 --> 00:45:38.655
I was picking my mom up from work I believe it was Tuesday so I got a text message from Don that said uh hey, you know, me and Al are home and we want to see when you guys are around so we could come over and visit and chat, and so my mom and her were talking and we were just kind of thinking about you know, the day and and when and uh, so we could all get together and share stories and I'm sure we were going to laugh and cry and do all those things Friday morning.

00:45:38.655 --> 00:45:45.931
Friday morning I got a phone call from Kyle.

00:45:45.931 --> 00:45:51.119
I got a phone call from Alan's son Kyle.

00:45:51.119 --> 00:46:28.128
I got a phone call from Alan's son Kyle, as I've already mentioned to you guys, someone that I view as a brother that was nervous he wouldn't be calling me that early on a Friday morning and I answered the phone and I could hear it in his voice and I said no, and he said, brother, I don't want to make this phone call.

00:46:28.128 --> 00:46:32.447
I don't want to make this phone call.

00:46:32.447 --> 00:46:34.760
I don't want to make this phone call.

00:46:34.760 --> 00:46:46.949
I don't want to be the one to tell you, but I need to be the one Because I don't want you to find it on social media.

00:46:46.949 --> 00:46:48.786
I don't want you to hear from somebody else.

00:46:48.786 --> 00:47:04.210
And I just kept saying no and he said I know you just lost your dad.

00:47:10.577 --> 00:47:15.632
This morning we lost Alan too.

00:47:15.632 --> 00:47:35.454
Kyle was in Florida getting a flight trying to get home.

00:47:35.454 --> 00:47:45.905
Right after that I messaged Travis and said I know you can't talk right now or don't want to talk right now, but whenever you're ready.

00:47:45.905 --> 00:47:52.360
And he called me instantly and want to talk right now, but whenever you're ready.

00:47:52.360 --> 00:48:11.916
And he called me instantly and uh told me that he just didn't wake up and uh, he passed in his sleep and my mother and I headed over to their house to be there with them and uh spend the the morning with them Trying to process what just happened.

00:48:11.916 --> 00:48:22.150
Man, I don't think Emotions could get stronger here.

00:48:22.150 --> 00:49:06.625
I don't know if my father, my godfather, are watching from above While I stand in my kitchen in my underwear recording the podcast, but I just got a message from Travis while recording this, while recording this, asking me if I want to give a eulogy at his father's service.

00:49:06.625 --> 00:49:11.652
And he asked me if I read the obituary.

00:49:11.652 --> 00:49:14.898
I told him you wouldn't believe it if I told you.

00:49:14.898 --> 00:49:19.396
I was sharing stories of your dad crying my eyes out right when you sent me this message.

00:49:22.565 --> 00:49:24.407
Alan Big Al Spencer.

00:49:24.407 --> 00:49:36.264
It is with a broken heart and great sadness that we announce that Alan Spencer, age 72, died May 10, 2024, at his home in Saco unexpectedly.

00:49:36.264 --> 00:49:41.844
He was born in Westbrook, maine, to Everett and Doris on August 28, 1951.

00:49:41.844 --> 00:49:46.356
He moved to Saco and married the love of his life, dawn Cross, in 1975.

00:49:46.356 --> 00:49:49.797
Alan worked picking up junk in junk cars.

00:49:49.797 --> 00:49:52.266
He later started driving tractor trailer trucks.

00:49:52.266 --> 00:49:59.210
He worked for several companies, then decided to work for himself and created his business, ans transport llc.

00:49:59.210 --> 00:50:11.438
He worked tirelessly making trips to new york with eggs, flattened cars to boston, bark mulch potatoes, trailer work and too many more to list.

00:50:11.438 --> 00:50:15.916
If you had a job, just call him, and he was the man to get it done.

00:50:15.916 --> 00:50:20.637
He was devoted to his family and loved spoiling his grandchildren.

00:50:20.637 --> 00:50:23.532
His family was his number one priority.

00:50:23.532 --> 00:50:26.954
If they were good, he was good.

00:50:26.954 --> 00:50:30.213
He was a man with a giant heart and loved to help people.

00:50:30.213 --> 00:50:35.556
He retired reluctantly last fall but still tried to drive when he could.

00:50:35.556 --> 00:50:40.295
He missed being in the trucks but his health deteriorated and he couldn't.

00:50:40.295 --> 00:50:44.996
Anyone that knew him and loved him called him Big Al.

00:50:44.996 --> 00:50:53.036
He spent winters in Florida for several years and loved camping and fishing campfires with his family and friends as much as he loved Florida.

00:50:53.036 --> 00:51:01.646
His roots were in Maine and he made the trip north each spring.

00:51:01.666 --> 00:51:03.670
He was pre-deceased by his parents, everett and Doris Spencer of Westbrook.

00:51:03.670 --> 00:51:04.552
His son Chris Spencer of Saco.

00:51:04.552 --> 00:51:06.898
He survived by his wife of 49 years.

00:51:06.898 --> 00:51:32.420
He survived by his wife of 49 years, dawn Cross Spencer, his son Travis, his son Kyle, his grandchildren Rebecca, brianna, louie, joe and Tony, his daughter-in-law Donna Spencer, his brothers Richard, david and Paul Spencer, his godson Keith Liberty of Arundel.

00:51:32.420 --> 00:51:45.088
He had an extended family he loved and that loved him with too many names to list, but he called brothers, sons, sisters.

00:51:45.088 --> 00:51:46.291
Even if they were not blood, they were to him.

00:51:46.291 --> 00:51:47.692
He would be dearly missed and never forgotten.

00:51:47.692 --> 00:51:52.960
His wish was, whenever you were sitting around a campfire, think of him and tell stories about Big Al.

00:51:52.960 --> 00:52:07.945
There will never be another Son of a bitch.

00:52:07.945 --> 00:52:16.518
As you read through that, I make the connection that me apparently calling everybody brothers and sisters, and I guess I got that from Big Al too.

00:52:19.885 --> 00:53:02.099
While we were spending time with the family on Friday, I realized something that during all this hurt there's also a great deal of healing, and I couldn't help but draw similarities between what they were feeling, what they were saying, what they were experiencing and what my mother and I had gone through, and it's never something that you want to see somebody go through, it's never something that you wish upon anyone, but seeing and hearing that their emotions and their feelings and their reactions, their feelings of doubt and regret and all those things, it's natural, because it's all the things that we did.

00:53:02.099 --> 00:53:07.851
I second-guessed every decision on my father's last few days and I still do it.

00:53:07.851 --> 00:53:25.965
I find myself not doing it after spending time with our extended family on Friday, because I realized we're always all going to second guess those last moments, we're always going to have those regrets.

00:53:25.965 --> 00:53:28.954
But it went the way it was supposed to go.

00:53:28.954 --> 00:53:37.125
It went the way it was supposed to go, it happened the way it was supposed to happen.

00:53:40.045 --> 00:54:08.195
I often think about my dad and his last few days and I think about all the suffering he went through and you try to ask yourself what's the way you would want things to be right and you come to the conclusion that there's no right answer, there's no right way, there's no easy way, because if I think about these two scenarios and these two situations and I think that I had to watch my father suffer in the hospital I had to make the decision to move him to hospice.

00:54:08.195 --> 00:54:14.773
I had to be there when he took his last breath, but I got the opportunity to say goodbye.

00:54:14.773 --> 00:54:22.556
And oftentimes I agonize over those conversations and those decisions.

00:54:22.556 --> 00:54:32.619
But then I think about Don and Kyle and Travis and the fact that they didn't get the opportunity to say goodbye.

00:54:32.619 --> 00:54:38.797
Yes, they don't have the regret of the decisions, but they don't have the opportunity of the conversation.

00:54:38.797 --> 00:54:43.996
Yes, alan didn't have to suffer in a hospital.

00:54:43.996 --> 00:54:51.876
He passed peacefully, the way he would have wanted, but he didn't get the opportunities for his family to come and say goodbye.

00:54:51.876 --> 00:55:03.574
All this is to say that things go the way they're supposed to go, that when it's our time, it's our time and we just go in the way we're supposed to go.

00:55:03.574 --> 00:55:16.115
It's crazy to me that he had some sense of feeling to call and, without saying goodbye, say goodbye.

00:55:16.115 --> 00:55:22.873
But I think of my dad and his passing.

00:55:22.873 --> 00:55:27.070
He did not want me to see him take his last breath and he protected me.

00:55:27.070 --> 00:55:28.916
Want me to see him take his last breath and he protected me.

00:55:28.916 --> 00:55:38.965
And I know that Alan made a wish for my father.

00:55:38.965 --> 00:55:44.655
I know that he promised him I'll always be there for your son as long as I can be.

00:55:44.655 --> 00:56:06.536
And I felt like that phone call and that text to get together was in a roundabout way, him saying I can't uphold that wish anymore, but he needed to protect me.

00:56:06.536 --> 00:56:10.661
He needed to give me that one last conversation.

00:56:14.666 --> 00:56:20.211
All these experiences and all this hurt, I have found some healing.

00:56:20.211 --> 00:56:29.655
There's a song I love from Drake White and I think I've dug into it before, so I'm just going to share a few lyrics from it.

00:56:29.655 --> 00:56:33.954
This pain ain't nothing like I've ever known.

00:56:33.954 --> 00:56:37.153
This heartbreak has got a hold and it won't let go.

00:56:37.153 --> 00:56:39.972
No, even in the worst, I get a feeling.

00:56:39.972 --> 00:56:42.172
Maybe the hurts the healing.

00:56:42.172 --> 00:56:45.074
Maybe lonely is the road digging deeper.

00:56:45.074 --> 00:56:49.036
Maybe sorrow is the preacher that brings me back to faith.

00:56:49.036 --> 00:56:56.456
Maybe failure put a chip here on my shoulder and you stand a little bolder to finish this race.

00:56:56.456 --> 00:56:59.409
Yeah, the pain ain't nothing like I've ever known.

00:56:59.409 --> 00:57:02.336
This heartbreak has got a hold and it won't let go.

00:57:02.336 --> 00:57:08.005
Even in the worst, I got a feeling, yeah, maybe the hurts the healing.

00:57:08.005 --> 00:57:08.585
I got a feeling.

00:57:08.585 --> 00:57:10.367
Yeah, maybe the hurts the healing.

00:57:10.367 --> 00:57:22.221
I certainly feel that in all this hurt, that I've begun to find a sense of healing, and maybe it gets washed away with each day.

00:57:22.221 --> 00:57:34.195
But in this quest to find version 2.0 of you and me thinking and learning and wondering about healing.

00:57:36.038 --> 00:57:49.757
I have a few things to share with you to wrap up this episode, and again I'm going to reference a few things from the book that we've been mentioning over the past few weeks of the Mountain is you from Beyond the West?

00:57:49.757 --> 00:57:54.208
And it really digs into mental healing.

00:57:54.208 --> 00:58:14.137
That physical healing is different, right, if we've probably all had an injury before, maybe we had a surgery before and you've gone through rehab before and you're just trying to build that strength up enough to do what you used to do and eventually you hope that you can be stronger and you can pick up where you left off.

00:58:14.137 --> 00:58:15.820
But mental health isn't the same thing.

00:58:15.820 --> 00:58:25.838
Mental health isn't just that rehab process, because mental healing requires you to face every ounce of darkness.

00:58:25.838 --> 00:58:33.786
Ounce of darkness.

00:58:33.806 --> 00:58:36.853
Healing yourself is the most uncomfortable, disruptive and important thing you will ever do.

00:58:36.853 --> 00:58:43.467
If your goal is to return to who you were before the hurt, then you're missing the point.

00:58:43.467 --> 00:58:45.510
This isn't physical rehab.

00:58:45.510 --> 00:58:51.519
We're not trying to return our bodies to the way they were before that knee surgery, before that back pain.

00:58:51.519 --> 00:59:00.492
If your goal is to return to who you were before, then you are missing the point, because it's not about who you were.

00:59:00.492 --> 00:59:05.746
We're not trying to repair an injury, we're trying to fix the hurt.

00:59:05.746 --> 00:59:07.007
We're trying to fix the hurt.

00:59:07.007 --> 00:59:20.797
Our mental healing requires us to gut ourselves, to gut ourselves entirely, to create a new version of ourselves, to make version 2.0 of ourselves.

00:59:20.797 --> 00:59:25.940
Because true healing is not what makes us feel better faster.

00:59:25.940 --> 00:59:33.429
It's not turning to the bottle folks, it's not lighting up, it's not sparking up, it's not letting go.

00:59:33.429 --> 00:59:38.239
Buttercup Healing is not what makes us feel better, faster.

00:59:38.239 --> 00:59:43.173
To truly heal, we need to greet ourselves at the reckoning.

00:59:43.173 --> 00:59:45.778
You need to find the sense of that hurt.

00:59:45.778 --> 00:59:51.237
Get there, go there and greet yourself at the center of the reckoning.

00:59:52.284 --> 01:00:02.789
Brianna shared a term and a psychology term that I've never heard of before, and that's positive disintegration.

01:00:02.789 --> 01:00:09.838
Just hearing that was enough to get my attention Positive disintegration.

01:00:09.838 --> 01:00:23.188
Positive disintegration is when we must adapt our self-concept to become someone who can handle, if not thrive, in the situation that we are in.

01:00:23.188 --> 01:00:24.692
Did you guys get that?

01:00:24.692 --> 01:00:26.396
Positive disintegration?

01:00:26.396 --> 01:00:28.259
It's when we need to adapt.

01:00:28.259 --> 01:00:38.737
We need to adapt our self-concept to become someone who can handle, if not thrive, in the situation we are in.

01:00:38.737 --> 01:00:47.239
Oftentimes we are in these situations that our current self, our old self couldn't get through, couldn't grow through.

01:00:47.239 --> 01:00:54.048
Self couldn't get through, couldn't grow through, couldn't go through.

01:00:54.048 --> 01:00:54.871
We need to adapt a new self concept.

01:00:54.871 --> 01:01:01.545
We need to create a mental toughness, a mental awareness where we can survive, beyond survive.

01:01:01.545 --> 01:01:05.273
We could possibly thrive in that situation.

01:01:05.614 --> 01:01:13.590
That old us, that old version of you and me, that situation, that old us, that old version of you and me, that ain't going to cut it, cinderella.

01:01:13.590 --> 01:01:14.371
It's going to take version 2.0.

01:01:14.371 --> 01:01:53.318
When I think about losing my father a few months ago, having the announcement of being an expecting father, to now losing my godfather, to thinking about the fact that little Paisley will never meet her grandfather or my godfather, the closest thing to her grandfather, that tears me apart, knowing that version 1.0 of me couldn't handle this for me, I need to not only handle this, I need to thrive through this.

01:01:53.318 --> 01:02:00.697
I will attempt to thrive through this by honoring my Godfather at his service.

01:02:02.666 --> 01:02:05.610
Now, this positive disintegration.

01:02:05.610 --> 01:02:11.840
This is healthy and normal, but I damn sure ain't easy.

01:02:11.840 --> 01:02:29.981
It's going to challenge everything about how you think and how you feel, how you live and how you react, because we again are not looking for the quickest way to feel better, the fastest way to protect our feelings.

01:02:29.981 --> 01:02:34.028
We are meeting ourselves at the reckoning.

01:02:34.028 --> 01:02:39.539
We are gutting our old selves and creating the new us.

01:02:39.539 --> 01:02:46.474
It's healthy, it's normal, it's necessary, but it's not easy.

01:02:46.474 --> 01:03:18.429
But what can make it easy is a change in perspective and a refocusing of your thoughts when you realize you can either feel uneasy pushing past our own self-imposed limits, becoming who we dream of being, or we can feel, as we sit, mulling over and over our fears that we have fabricated and why we refuse to stand up and begin.

01:03:18.951 --> 01:03:24.858
Do you want to face this initial discomfort for that future gain?

01:03:24.858 --> 01:03:27.447
Do you want to recreate you?

01:03:27.447 --> 01:03:34.992
Do you want to make version 2.0 of you, to fight through this, to push past those self-imposed limits?

01:03:34.992 --> 01:03:45.356
Or do you want to sit here and just live in misery and wallow in your own fabricated nonsense for the rest of your life?

01:03:45.356 --> 01:03:52.726
I can take guaranteed the rest of your life.

01:03:52.726 --> 01:03:56.496
I can take guaranteed short-term discomfort for the hope, potential and promise of a 2.0 in me and you.

01:03:59.445 --> 01:04:05.016
Man, what an episode, what a journey, what a mountain for today's show.

01:04:05.016 --> 01:04:29.396
I hope and pray that I've impacted you in some certain way today, that there's been something in this message that was delivered for you right, that we learned about a great, important man in my life and the absolute importance of mental healing to become the best possible version of you.

01:04:29.396 --> 01:04:37.394
If this was a benefit for you today, then I encourage you to share the show, to help it grow, to let somebody know.

01:04:37.394 --> 01:04:42.911
Until then, I thank you for supporting my American dream.

01:04:42.911 --> 01:04:47.500
Now go wash your fucking hands, don't be savage.

01:04:47.500 --> 01:04:51.554
That's it and that's all, biggie Smalls.

01:05:06.072 --> 01:05:18.074
If you're a loud, proud American and you find yourself just wanting more, find me on YouTube and Facebook at Loud, proud American, or the FacePage, as my mama calls it.

01:05:18.074 --> 01:05:32.739
If you're a fan of the Graham Cracker and want to find me on Instagram or all the kids are tickety-talking on the TikTok, you can find me on both of those at loud, underscore, proud, underscore American.

01:05:32.739 --> 01:05:48.998
A big old thank you to the boys from the Gut Truckers for the background beats and the theme song for this year's podcast.

01:05:48.998 --> 01:05:52.534
Truckers for the background beats and the theme song for this year's podcast.

01:05:52.534 --> 01:05:54.621
If you are enjoying what you're hearing, you can track down the gut truckers on facebook.

01:05:54.621 --> 01:05:55.244
Just search gut truckers.

01:05:55.244 --> 01:06:17.900
Give them motherfuckers a like too.

01:06:17.900 --> 01:06:20.762
I truly thank you for supporting my American dream.

01:06:20.762 --> 01:06:23.570
Now go wash your fucking hands, you filthy savage.

Related to this Episode

Laughter, Loss, and the Lessons of Life's Transitions

In our latest podcast episode, we embark on an emotional journey that navigates the contours of personal growth against the backdrop of loss and laughter. The discussion opens with a candid reflection on the intricacies of podcasting and the creativ…