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Nov. 20, 2024

Reflections on Loss, Legacy, and New Beginnings 228

Reflections on Loss, Legacy, and New Beginnings 228

Have you ever faced a date on the calendar that brings equal parts pain and nostalgia? For us, November 19th is exactly that—a day where loss and fond memories intertwine. This episode of the Share the Circle podcast marks our 228th journey, reflecting on the threads of grief and growth woven into our lives. Join us as we explore the transformative power of uncomfortable conversations and the gratitude that the holiday spirit brings.

As we honor the first anniversary of our father's passing, we share the emotional rollercoaster of living through those "firsts" without them—holidays, family gatherings, and cherished traditions. These shared experiences of loss create unexpected connections, bonding us in our grief. From the metaphorical challenge of erecting a 28-foot flagpole to the lessons of seeking help, we discuss the stubborn independence instilled in us by our loved ones. We also share insights on the subtle signs of their presence, finding comfort in everyday occurrences that remind us they are still watching over us.

Amidst the pain, new beginnings have brought healing and hope. The arrival of baby Paisley symbolizes a connection across generations, transforming our understanding of father-daughter bonds and the joy of parenthood. Through anecdotes of family gatherings and the profound realization of hearing a loved one's voice after their passing, we underscore the importance of preserving memories and legacies for future generations. Our commitment to storytelling not only helps us cherish these moments but also serves as a beacon of resilience and understanding for all who listen.

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Chapters

00:03 - Reflections on Life and Loss

06:32 - Memories of Loss and Remembrance

20:58 - Patriotism and Outdoor Projects

27:52 - Signs and Struggles of Grief

45:04 - Father-Daughter Bonds and Healing

54:46 - Protective Father-Daughter Relationship

01:00:24 - Memories, Legacy, and Healing

01:06:49 - Reflecting on Loss and New Beginnings

Transcript
WEBVTT

00:00:03.104 --> 00:00:08.734
The most difficult day of my life was on this day, november 19th 2023.

00:00:08.734 --> 00:00:18.152
Exactly one year ago, 365 days ago, I had to say goodbye to my hero, my old man, my dad.

00:00:18.152 --> 00:00:29.443
6,205 days ago, on November 19th that's 17 years ago my wife lost her hero and role model, the woman who raised her, her grandmother.

00:00:29.443 --> 00:00:36.985
Today, we come together and try to understand all that has happened between November 19th.

00:00:36.985 --> 00:00:38.107
Let me tell you something.

00:00:38.869 --> 00:00:39.871
Everybody struggles.

00:00:40.393 --> 00:00:45.310
The difference is some people choose to go through it and some choose to grow through it.

00:00:45.310 --> 00:00:47.707
The choice is completely yours.

00:00:47.707 --> 00:00:53.633
Which one you choose will have a very profound effect on the way you live your life.

00:00:55.460 --> 00:01:01.334
If you find strength in the struggle, then this podcast is for you.

00:01:01.334 --> 00:01:08.253
Do you have a relationship that is comfortable with uncomfortable conversations?

00:01:08.253 --> 00:01:13.971
Uncomfortable conversations challenge you, humble you and they build you.

00:01:13.971 --> 00:01:18.969
When you sprinkle a little time and distance on it, it all makes sense.

00:01:18.969 --> 00:01:24.129
Most disagreements they stem from our own insecurities.

00:01:24.129 --> 00:01:32.871
You are right where you need to be Back on time.

00:01:32.871 --> 00:01:40.614
We can find the truth the whole day gone we'll be right.

00:01:45.081 --> 00:01:46.433
Way too fast and way too fast.

00:01:46.433 --> 00:01:47.140
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

00:01:47.140 --> 00:01:52.046
What it do, what it hot, dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-doo.

00:01:53.180 --> 00:01:55.605
You sounded like a chickadee, chickadee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.

00:01:55.605 --> 00:01:56.668
That's our state bird, you know.

00:01:57.319 --> 00:01:59.067
That is our state bird and I'm proud of you.

00:01:59.067 --> 00:02:01.147
Actually, what happened is I think I glitched.

00:02:01.147 --> 00:02:06.040
Happened is I think I glitched.

00:02:06.040 --> 00:02:10.872
I I like I hung up there and I'm feeling a little bit dehydrated and I think my tongue got stuck to the roof of my mouth and I just couldn't couldn't get it all out.

00:02:10.872 --> 00:02:21.629
Well, it sounded magnificent you look like you're wearing lieutenant dan's sweatshirt listen, don't let me say lieutenant dan, because look, you have one arm.

00:02:21.629 --> 00:02:22.551
What is going on over there?

00:02:22.961 --> 00:02:25.750
my sweater's ripped, but it's too cozy to throw it away.

00:02:25.750 --> 00:02:29.687
Everybody has that good, cozy sweater that you just can't throw away.

00:02:29.687 --> 00:02:37.206
Well, my whole entire shoulder is ripped, from my shoulder to my elbow, and I refuse to let it go.

00:02:37.206 --> 00:02:39.145
I need to learn how to sew.

00:02:39.719 --> 00:02:43.707
That good cozy sweatshirt of yours or sweater of yours I've never seen before in my life.

00:02:44.853 --> 00:02:47.020
So don't you even worry about it.

00:02:47.020 --> 00:02:47.521
It's cozy.

00:02:47.521 --> 00:02:50.207
I think it's a family heirloom of sorts.

00:02:51.129 --> 00:02:57.181
Just putting that out there, hot diggity.

00:02:57.181 --> 00:03:02.306
Damn, am I so excited to be joined again by you.

00:03:02.306 --> 00:03:04.728
It it's been a few weeks, babe, been a few weeks.

00:03:04.728 --> 00:03:07.049
You're back to work so.

00:03:07.049 --> 00:03:09.730
I am back to work yep, it's been a few weeks.

00:03:09.730 --> 00:03:15.275
I've been flying, flying solo over here on the show, really big show.

00:03:15.876 --> 00:03:16.635
Now you have the baby.

00:03:16.756 --> 00:03:18.417
It's a huge show, huge.

00:03:19.879 --> 00:03:21.062
Really huge.

00:03:21.081 --> 00:03:23.705
You got huge things coming, big, huge things.

00:03:23.705 --> 00:03:26.610
Episode 228.

00:03:26.610 --> 00:03:33.906
That's pretty huge, that is huge, that is really huge and today's going to be a very blessed show.

00:03:33.906 --> 00:03:34.447
Oh.

00:03:34.447 --> 00:03:36.729
God, we're going to talk about how blessed we are.

00:03:36.750 --> 00:03:39.054
You're going to be sick of being blessed.

00:03:39.074 --> 00:03:40.094
You're going to be so blessed.

00:03:40.094 --> 00:03:44.871
You're going to be tired of being blessed man Looking forward to making Christmas great again this year.

00:03:44.871 --> 00:03:47.520
I'm just going to be tired of being blessed man, looking forward to making Christmas great again this year.

00:03:47.539 --> 00:03:49.824
I'm just going to put that out there, dude.

00:03:49.865 --> 00:03:51.027
Episode 228.

00:03:51.027 --> 00:03:52.711
Hope you all are feeling great.

00:03:52.711 --> 00:04:03.132
228 means that it's 228 consecutive weeks of Share the Circle podcast.

00:04:03.132 --> 00:04:06.819
Some weeks are easier than others, some weeks are just a little more difficult to record.

00:04:06.819 --> 00:04:15.193
Here we are again kind of up against the deadline, the date line, and I think the biggest reason for being up against that is number one we've been a little busy.

00:04:15.193 --> 00:04:20.512
But number two today's a day that I didn't really know how it was going to go.

00:04:20.512 --> 00:04:34.874
I didn't know what was going to happen, how I was going to feel, what to plan for, and I've always claimed that Share the Struggle podcast is a real, raw time response to life.

00:04:34.874 --> 00:04:37.324
Right, did I say that correctly?

00:04:37.324 --> 00:04:38.105
I don't think I did.

00:04:38.105 --> 00:04:41.612
It's a real, raw, raw, real time.

00:04:41.612 --> 00:04:42.360
That's what it is.

00:04:42.360 --> 00:04:43.182
That's how I say it.

00:04:43.182 --> 00:04:44.625
Am I intoxicated?

00:04:44.625 --> 00:04:47.911
I did have the biggest margarita of my life with my mom at dinner.

00:04:47.911 --> 00:04:48.954
Yeah, you did.

00:04:49.980 --> 00:04:53.968
It is a raw real time response to life.

00:04:53.968 --> 00:04:54.810
Yeah.

00:04:54.810 --> 00:04:55.913
That's what it is.

00:04:55.913 --> 00:04:57.386
Why am I so stupid?

00:04:57.386 --> 00:04:59.805
It's the tequila.

00:04:59.805 --> 00:05:01.725
God, I'm an idiot.

00:05:01.725 --> 00:05:12.372
I did also get into the moonshine and I had a bush peach when I was sitting on my dad's tailgate admiring the field and staring at the horse.

00:05:12.391 --> 00:05:13.434
I saw the bush out there.

00:05:13.434 --> 00:05:15.235
Bush peach, you were looking at my bush.

00:05:15.235 --> 00:05:17.408
You're welcome for finding that for you by the way.

00:05:18.821 --> 00:05:24.153
Don't just slip over the fact that you were staring at my bush and you just admitted to it on the recording.

00:05:25.225 --> 00:05:26.802
You just told the people you have a bush.

00:05:26.923 --> 00:05:28.663
That alone is a problem.

00:05:28.663 --> 00:05:29.807
Amen, sister.

00:05:29.807 --> 00:05:31.807
They don't know what I do with my bush.

00:05:31.807 --> 00:05:38.341
How I keep it prim and prappy Anyways it's a happy little bush.

00:05:38.341 --> 00:05:39.803
It's a really happy little bush.

00:05:41.247 --> 00:05:41.968
Moving on.

00:05:41.968 --> 00:05:45.036
We're not going to talk about your babushka, that's about your babushka.

00:05:45.057 --> 00:05:45.360
That's about it.

00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:46.865
That's about it.

00:05:47.762 --> 00:05:50.786
I'm going to scare the people away yes, we've already done that.

00:05:52.584 --> 00:06:16.829
I didn't really know how today was going to go and I really thought that when I looked at the calendar, when I realized that November 19th just happened to be a Tuesday and we generally record our podcast on a Tuesday and get things edited up and posted up and ready to rock and roll for y'all to win another Wednesday.

00:06:16.829 --> 00:06:17.771
You little winners.

00:06:17.771 --> 00:06:24.863
For all my winners out there, you happy little winners, don't be confused by winners and winters.

00:06:24.863 --> 00:06:25.505
They're different.

00:06:25.505 --> 00:06:26.507
There's a T in winter.

00:06:26.507 --> 00:06:30.694
Okay, anyways, I've lost it.

00:06:30.694 --> 00:06:32.401
Squirrel.

00:06:32.583 --> 00:06:36.007
I was saying something, and what I was saying is I love you.

00:06:36.661 --> 00:06:37.605
I love you too, sugar.

00:06:39.959 --> 00:06:59.836
But what I was trying to tell the people is, I realized that November 19th is a very important day, a landmark day for us, and it's one of those things where you get closer to it and you just tell yourself it's just going to be another day, that's it, it's just a day, I'm going to be over it.

00:06:59.836 --> 00:07:02.608
But then there's times during that day when it just kind of hits you.

00:07:02.608 --> 00:07:06.630
You just wake up different and emotions come out of nowhere.

00:07:06.630 --> 00:07:21.745
And for those of you that are listening for the first time, if you're not a day one, if you haven't been along for this journey of share the struggle, then you have no flipping clue what I'm talking about and I apologize to you.

00:07:21.745 --> 00:07:25.122
I should have explained myself better as we started the show, and I apologize to you.

00:07:25.122 --> 00:07:39.910
I should have explained myself better as we started the show, but November 19th 2023, at 744 am, I said goodbye to my father, to my hero, and this happens to mark 365 days.

00:07:39.949 --> 00:08:01.863
Today is the anniversary of my dad's passing and I think the encouraging thing about this is to think that there's a lot of things that you do for the first time, and those things that you do for the first time, I feel like they hurt that much more.

00:08:01.884 --> 00:08:10.355
You know, like the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first birthday, the first just all of those things, those like special moments and days and holidays.

00:08:10.355 --> 00:08:28.228
The first time you do those things, the first time you keep a tradition going, the first time you go to hunting camp without your dad, without your family member, your lifeline, your hero, the first time you do some of those things, I feel like it stings more.

00:08:28.228 --> 00:08:36.393
So today becomes one of the last first-time things that I'm going to do.

00:08:36.393 --> 00:08:53.966
Right, when you think about the things that me and him have always done together, today kind of marks like the end of doing those first time things without him For the most part, you know, like all those things that are on the calendar, those traditions and things that we do.

00:08:53.966 --> 00:09:00.966
Getting that behind me, as much as it sounds silly, kind of feels like an achievement.

00:09:00.966 --> 00:09:01.749
You know what I mean.

00:09:02.289 --> 00:09:02.471
Right.

00:09:02.961 --> 00:09:04.490
I get a fucking badge of courage today.

00:09:04.490 --> 00:09:05.618
You know, mm-hmm, I get a fucking badge of courage today.

00:09:05.618 --> 00:09:05.940
You know, mm-hmm.

00:09:05.940 --> 00:09:08.183
I shouldn't have swore I was early.

00:09:08.183 --> 00:09:11.511
You are early Lamb it on the tequila Lord.

00:09:11.511 --> 00:09:12.133
I apologize.

00:09:14.581 --> 00:09:16.023
Take care of the pygmy goats in Tennessee.

00:09:16.023 --> 00:09:17.527
Yeah, that's right.

00:09:17.527 --> 00:09:19.770
Who said that?

00:09:19.770 --> 00:09:21.033
Larry the Cable Guy, larry the Cable Guy.

00:09:30.279 --> 00:09:31.183
He didn't say anything about the picnic goats.

00:09:31.183 --> 00:09:31.625
I think you made that.

00:09:31.625 --> 00:09:32.347
I made that up, but it was hilarious.

00:09:32.347 --> 00:09:38.326
So I think that um realizing that from here on out, every time I do something, I'm gonna be like looking back at it and saying this is my second, this is my fourth, my sixth time doing this.

00:09:38.326 --> 00:09:45.924
You know, I feel like some of the first or some of the hardest, and um getting through those.

00:09:45.924 --> 00:09:51.052
You have to give yourself some credit and give yourself some grace for getting through those things.

00:09:51.052 --> 00:09:53.035
Mm-hmm.

00:09:54.740 --> 00:09:55.282
For you.

00:09:55.282 --> 00:09:59.509
You've been getting through those things for 17 years now.

00:09:59.509 --> 00:10:21.120
Yep yep, as we talk on the podcast and we've been doing this since 2020, july of uh 2020 if you've been listening along, you've heard different episodes, and if you've been listening that long, then you know our story and you realize that there's so many random, strange things that keep us connected.

00:10:21.120 --> 00:10:30.634
There's so many like common things that we have that they don't always make sense and sometimes they don't connect for 10 years.

00:10:30.634 --> 00:10:31.235
You know what I mean.

00:10:31.235 --> 00:10:31.556
Right.

00:10:32.259 --> 00:10:49.907
But the fact that you lost your grandmother on the exact same calendar date that I lost my dad and to people that don't know, your grandmother was basically your mother, so you lost that parental figure, you know, same day Pretty crazy.

00:10:50.120 --> 00:10:53.948
Yeah, and later on we found out for the same reason when we talked to Nana.

00:10:53.948 --> 00:10:55.452
That's true too.

00:10:56.761 --> 00:10:58.486
I didn't even think about that part of it.

00:10:58.486 --> 00:11:17.254
Yep, so here we are together November 19th, 2024 is when we're recording this and I think when people reach out or they, you know, check in and see how things are going and they kind of ask you like, what did you do today?

00:11:17.254 --> 00:11:28.333
And today I wanted to do things that my dad would have done and I wanted to do things that like dad would have done, and I wanted to do things that me and him would have done.

00:11:28.333 --> 00:11:33.491
So that's kind of what I stuck to for the day.

00:11:33.491 --> 00:11:59.649
It didn't quite go the way I wanted it to go, because I spent all damn day trying to accomplish one task and in the meantime I broke a bunch of stuff, probably scratched up my tractor and probably almost decapitated myself yeah, it's because you're just like your dad and you do not like to ask for help I don't like getting help but sometimes you have to the flagpole.

00:11:59.669 --> 00:12:00.932
You've been trying to put up mental help.

00:12:00.932 --> 00:12:01.394
What's that?

00:12:01.600 --> 00:12:07.543
the flagpole you've been trying to put up is over 20 feet tall, for god's sakes, and you're trying to stand it up with a tractor.

00:12:07.543 --> 00:12:08.105
That's what?

00:12:08.105 --> 00:12:11.572
10 feet tall the flagpole is.

00:12:12.221 --> 00:12:12.981
I measured it today.

00:12:12.981 --> 00:12:21.261
It's like maybe about 28 feet, a 28 foot flagpole, that that my dad put up when I was a kid.

00:12:21.261 --> 00:12:29.914
I don't remember how old I, but I remember my dad putting this flagpole up and it was just this obnoxious, majestic thing.

00:12:29.914 --> 00:12:39.014
Right, my dad owned a steel company, a welding company, and he just made this 28-foot flagpole at our house.

00:12:39.014 --> 00:12:45.145
This is a flagpole that would be big enough to see at like a car dealership, you know what I mean, and we had it on our front yard.

00:12:47.041 --> 00:12:48.144
Now it's in my horse field.

00:12:48.345 --> 00:12:49.950
Now it's in the horse pen yeah, horse field.

00:12:49.950 --> 00:12:57.730
So we used to fly big old American flags off of it and I got to say this brings up a ridiculous story.

00:12:57.730 --> 00:13:11.423
But there was a time I don't know if I you know, statute of limitations have passed, so I can't be arrested for this and I must confess that I was a jackass when I was in high school.

00:13:11.423 --> 00:13:14.628
You went to a different high school for a short amount of time, correct, just senior year.

00:13:14.628 --> 00:13:19.254
Remember all the flags that used to be up, like in the cafeterias and like the gyms.

00:13:22.381 --> 00:13:26.802
There was like a flag for every country all over the high school I think it was maybe the cafeteria or something.

00:13:26.802 --> 00:13:31.173
We used to take the flags down and we started this thing.

00:13:31.173 --> 00:13:38.621
I don't want to get too far off subject here, but it was back in the day of wrestling, when the NWO was really big and.

00:13:38.662 --> 00:13:39.284
New World Order.

00:13:39.284 --> 00:13:48.966
We took a couple of flags and we took spray paint and we painted SWO over other nations' flags and the SWO was the senior world order.

00:13:48.966 --> 00:13:53.765
Okay, jesus Christ, but we used our strengths for good, our evil powers were used for good.

00:13:53.765 --> 00:13:58.370
And I'll just say this, I'll just give you this story in case I've never told this story on here before.

00:13:58.620 --> 00:13:59.784
I don't think I've ever heard this story.

00:13:59.804 --> 00:14:00.749
All right this one's for you then.

00:14:00.749 --> 00:14:01.903
Nothing to do with my dad.

00:14:01.903 --> 00:14:05.893
So we were in high school.

00:14:05.893 --> 00:14:14.969
I was a senior obviously that's the senior world order and I don't remember what the class was that I had but we had this substitute and the sub became like a long-term sub.

00:14:14.969 --> 00:14:23.889
The teacher we had must have been out for surgery or something, I don't remember the situation, but we ended up having this sub that became like long-term and then like almost permanent.

00:14:23.889 --> 00:14:26.614
So we had them for months.

00:14:26.653 --> 00:14:30.883
Right, it was this older guy and he had some health problems.

00:14:30.883 --> 00:14:35.913
I don't want to get too far off from reality here, but it's like it's.

00:14:35.913 --> 00:14:48.365
I mean, we're talking 24 years ago now, right, but he had, he had cancer and he was, you know, there was.

00:14:48.365 --> 00:14:51.561
He had good days and bad where he was just sick, right, and he was just having a tough time and I can't remember there was.

00:14:51.561 --> 00:14:55.070
I don't remember if he had a wheelchair or an eye patch or something.

00:14:55.070 --> 00:14:55.611
I can't remember.

00:14:55.611 --> 00:15:06.248
I'm literally sounding like a total jackass, okay, but what I'm pointing out here is that he was battling and he would have some, he had tough days, but he was a phenomenal guy like I loved him.

00:15:06.248 --> 00:15:19.684
We had a connection and, um, I was a jackass that didn't try really hard in school and I was sitting up on the uh windowsill just leaning against the windows, looking out doors and not paying attention.

00:15:20.647 --> 00:15:24.845
And uh, this is one day in class where he was like all right, guys, well, everybody, uh, take your seats.

00:15:24.845 --> 00:15:25.788
We, we're going to take a test.

00:15:25.788 --> 00:15:31.629
And I'm just sitting there looking out the window and he's like Keith, you got to take a chair.

00:15:31.629 --> 00:15:32.471
Man, like we're going to take it.

00:15:32.471 --> 00:15:33.966
No, no, no test today.

00:15:33.966 --> 00:15:38.370
He's like bud, you got to sit down.

00:15:38.370 --> 00:15:38.770
Man, here we go.

00:15:38.770 --> 00:15:41.480
It's like coaching a little league here we go.

00:15:41.480 --> 00:15:43.482
Pal, sit down, we're gonna take your test.

00:15:43.482 --> 00:15:46.488
And I was like, uh, no test today.

00:15:46.488 --> 00:15:48.529
Cinnamon toast crunch today.

00:15:48.529 --> 00:15:50.793
It's like what do you what?

00:15:50.813 --> 00:15:51.333
do you mean what?

00:15:51.774 --> 00:15:54.705
I was like cereal, we're gonna have cereal today.

00:15:54.705 --> 00:16:04.123
He's like I don't know what the hell cereal has to do with this in the class and I was like teach, I'm just gonna be honest with you, I'm a little hungry right now.

00:16:04.123 --> 00:16:06.524
I think it's enough of us that are here that are hungry.

00:16:06.524 --> 00:16:07.889
You look tired.

00:16:07.889 --> 00:16:09.033
You're probably hungry.

00:16:09.033 --> 00:16:10.580
These tests are overrated.

00:16:10.580 --> 00:16:12.287
You give me a hall pass.

00:16:12.287 --> 00:16:16.403
I'm gonna go down the street, I'm gonna get milk and cereal and we're all gonna have breakfast.

00:16:16.403 --> 00:16:19.269
And he's like that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

00:16:19.269 --> 00:16:21.020
Get, sit down and take your test.

00:16:21.020 --> 00:16:26.289
Five minutes later I'm still on the windowsill and I was like we're having cereal.

00:16:26.289 --> 00:16:29.724
And he says come over here and get this damn pass.

00:16:29.724 --> 00:16:37.865
And he wrote a pass and I went down to like Jakey's Market and we bought milk and cereal and like the whole class had cereal and we just shot the shit the entire time.

00:16:37.865 --> 00:16:38.687
There was no test.

00:16:39.008 --> 00:16:39.570
Jesus.

00:16:40.071 --> 00:16:48.104
But I say all this to set up the fact that this teacher was awesome.

00:16:48.104 --> 00:17:01.928
He was a great guy and there was some younger classmen, like freshman, sophomore class, that were picking on him and we started to take note to the fact that they were picking on this teacher and it was really bothering him, it was upsetting him.

00:17:01.928 --> 00:17:11.111
And then you kind of heard rumors of these kids and what they were saying and what they were doing, and I could physically see that it was bothering him, right.

00:17:11.111 --> 00:17:24.545
So one day I went to him and the class that was making fun of him, that was giving him a hard time, was right after lunch and I said I want you to do me a favor today.

00:17:24.545 --> 00:17:26.166
And he said what do you, you to do me a favor today?

00:17:26.166 --> 00:17:26.748
And uh, he's like what do you?

00:17:26.748 --> 00:17:27.769
What do you mean, do me a favor?

00:17:27.769 --> 00:17:31.094
And I said I'm going to need you to be 15 minutes late from lunch.

00:17:31.094 --> 00:17:36.641
And uh, he said why?

00:17:36.641 --> 00:17:37.863
What do you mean 15 minutes late from lunch?

00:17:37.883 --> 00:17:54.109
I said I just need your classroom for the first 15 minutes of that next class and uh, he was like I don't know anything about this and I'm like you don't know nothing about it, but you just happen to be late coming back from the cafeteria and he said all right, and he walked off on that day at lunch.

00:17:54.109 --> 00:18:07.503
After lunch, all the kids went into their class and there was me and, like four of my buddies I remember Steve Clancy's son, chris, being one of them and we took one of these nation's flags.

00:18:07.503 --> 00:18:12.739
I spray painted swo over and we, we taped it to the chalkboard in the classroom.

00:18:12.739 --> 00:18:17.273
Before the kids went in there they just said swo and black spray paint.

00:18:17.314 --> 00:18:28.491
Imagine the nwo days, right, and this is taped to the classroom chalkboard and all these kids are filing in and they just see this taped up on the wall and swo written on the chalkboard.

00:18:28.491 --> 00:18:45.247
I had some cryptic undertaker speech written on the chalkboard and we're out like in the hallway, kind of, you know, out of out of view, and we let all the kids kind of mingled in and they all come in laughing and joking and they all start to get quiet and you let them sit there for about five minutes.

00:18:45.247 --> 00:18:52.307
There's no teacher, there's no nothing and the door is shut and then, all of a sudden, I blow the door open oh my gosh.

00:18:52.547 --> 00:19:04.955
And we come in as a whole crew and clancy's in the background coming in with the nwo and I walked in that classroom and the first desk I see I just flipped it over my head and lost my fucking shit.

00:19:04.955 --> 00:19:07.103
I started throwing things at the chalkboard.

00:19:07.103 --> 00:19:08.465
We closed the door.

00:19:08.465 --> 00:19:26.584
One of my friends held the door shut and the window closed and I just went off and I said you little motherfuckers, if I ever hear any word out of, if I hear anything come out of this room, if if this teacher comes to me and says anything, I will come back here and murder every single one of you.

00:19:26.584 --> 00:19:29.452
And I just started throwing things around.

00:19:29.513 --> 00:19:32.102
I picked kids up stuffed into chalkboards.

00:19:32.102 --> 00:19:42.192
There was people hiding under their desk and we just went off and I said if you ever, if you ever mess with him again, I will beat the living shit out of you.

00:19:42.192 --> 00:19:44.801
This is a total random story.

00:19:44.801 --> 00:19:50.628
I don't know where all this came from, but this is what high school was like in my day, which this comes back to the pussification of America.

00:19:50.628 --> 00:19:58.411
If there was still bullying in high school, we wouldn't be growing these mushes of children who are growing right now.

00:19:58.819 --> 00:20:01.148
Actually, I hate to break the news to you.

00:20:01.148 --> 00:20:21.421
Something very similar like that just happened and it was all over the news, and six football players were expelled because that sort of thing was happening, because they were literally it was like senior week or something and they pranks and stuff they were like throwing kids in trash cans and stuff like that, like well, that's just it that's all they were doing.

00:20:21.441 --> 00:20:29.634
They weren't doing anything like out of the ordinary, like it was senior pranks and they literally threw these kids out of school.

00:20:29.634 --> 00:20:34.145
They couldn't play in the football game, it was like homecoming or something.

00:20:34.145 --> 00:20:34.867
They kicked them all off.

00:20:34.867 --> 00:20:40.750
I don't know if you saw that, but it was up main somewhere and I was like, can we bring back that type of bullying?

00:20:40.750 --> 00:20:42.605
Get off your fucking computer.

00:20:42.605 --> 00:20:48.525
And, sorry Matt, type of bullying, get off your fucking computer.

00:20:48.525 --> 00:20:57.882
And sorry matt, um, like, get off your computer and stop like doing these like threats online, like, bring it back to the days like I'll just meet you out back you just have, like, I'll just meet you in the field under the bleachers at the football, kids and trash cans.

00:20:58.784 --> 00:21:03.323
My senior year I put a kid in a aluminum trash can and I scissor kicked him down a flight of stairs.

00:21:03.344 --> 00:21:05.693
You'd be arrested for that sort of stuff nowadays aluminum trash can and I scissor kicked him down a flight of stairs.

00:21:05.693 --> 00:21:06.900
He'd be arrested for that sort of stuff nowadays.

00:21:07.180 --> 00:21:10.730
The metal trash can folded around him and he was stuck at the bottom of the stairs trying to get out.

00:21:10.730 --> 00:21:15.211
I took Clancy's son and put him in a tuxedo.

00:21:15.211 --> 00:21:18.308
You know the bags, the garment bags.

00:21:18.308 --> 00:21:20.126
They put like marching band outfits in.

00:21:21.560 --> 00:21:22.282
I put the whole kid.

00:21:22.282 --> 00:21:27.564
I put his son in the tuxedo bag and I zipped it all the way up so he was like a body bag, yeah.

00:21:27.564 --> 00:21:36.441
And I threw him on my shoulder and I walked in like a scene from a police academy and said yamma yamma, yamma yamma, and I walked in a class with like dead body over my shoulder.

00:21:36.461 --> 00:21:38.624
Oh my god, what is wrong with you?

00:21:39.605 --> 00:21:42.188
you married this I'm concerned.

00:21:43.369 --> 00:21:45.011
I did not receive a resume.

00:21:45.813 --> 00:21:57.316
No, you wouldn't have read it, you wouldn't have accepted it, I wouldn't have given you the real one, I probably would have had some questions, but the point I'm trying to make here is that I was using my strengths for good?

00:21:57.336 --> 00:22:00.040
I don't think that there was a point to this whole ramble sesh.

00:22:00.080 --> 00:22:01.806
Well, what I was getting to was the flagpole.

00:22:01.806 --> 00:22:09.428
So I did actually take the Japanese flag and I thought it was funny to put it on my flagpole here.

00:22:11.521 --> 00:22:36.932
Oh my God, I can imagine your dad, my grandfather is a veteran who went to Japan and he comes out off of his porch and there's a car in the middle of Proctor Road, on the side of the road, with a dude outside of the car with a big lens camera taking pictures of my flagpole from down the street and my grandfather looks up and sees a Japanese flagpole and he came over here and lost his shit.

00:22:36.932 --> 00:22:38.887
I can only imagine my dad was freaking out.

00:22:40.585 --> 00:22:42.530
In your dad's words specifically.

00:22:42.530 --> 00:22:47.020
And, matt, I apologize, but this is what pops would say, what the fuck is that?

00:22:47.342 --> 00:22:49.944
oh my god, get that off of my flagpole oh.

00:22:49.944 --> 00:22:51.502
I got my ass twisted for that one.

00:22:51.502 --> 00:22:55.624
Oh, I bet, but I put some dumb shit on that flagpole in my life.

00:22:55.644 --> 00:22:57.506
But your underwear.

00:22:57.506 --> 00:22:58.809
Did you ever put your underwear up there?

00:22:58.880 --> 00:22:59.321
not sure.

00:22:59.321 --> 00:23:10.839
The thing is is that at our house we're extremely patriotic and obviously you know by the company, you know by the last name and we have a multitude of flagpoles.

00:23:10.839 --> 00:23:15.568
I travel with a flagpole I think it's an 18-foot flagpole.

00:23:15.568 --> 00:23:19.828
We're telescoping flagpole from B&D Flagpoles, home of the Titan Telescoping Flagpole.

00:23:19.828 --> 00:23:21.952
Don't forget that Sponsors the show.

00:23:23.980 --> 00:23:31.299
How come both of our flagpoles I just thought about it are both in my horse arena and my horse pen?

00:23:31.339 --> 00:23:33.528
We've just built around our situations here.

00:23:33.528 --> 00:23:36.644
There's two on the there's like a.

00:23:36.664 --> 00:23:38.388
T-post flagpole back here too.

00:23:38.388 --> 00:23:42.468
So I think we have a problem.

00:23:42.980 --> 00:23:45.789
We do have a very big patriotic problem around here.

00:23:45.789 --> 00:24:09.433
But getting back to what I did today and November 19th and all these things, what's been ironic that I have not really done the math on that I haven't realized is that I've been doing a lot of my dad's things and last year leading up to my dad's death, we basically closed the business.

00:24:09.433 --> 00:24:21.961
It was between spending time with my dad and working on his projects and, uh, we wanted to do as much as we could, clear as much of his to-do list and um, so he could come home and relax and recover.

00:24:21.961 --> 00:24:22.462
And that didn't.

00:24:22.462 --> 00:24:24.086
That didn't go to plan.

00:24:24.086 --> 00:24:26.172
But we were doing all these outdoor projects for him.

00:24:26.172 --> 00:24:34.652
And here we are this year doing the exact same thing and some of it has a business reason which we're going to get to on a later show.

00:24:34.652 --> 00:24:41.128
I'm not ready to announce that part of the plan here, but we've been doing a lot of outdoor projects.

00:24:41.128 --> 00:24:44.294
A few things have lined up to us doing this.

00:24:44.294 --> 00:24:50.376
Number one you were pregnant all year, so no opportunity for you to be doing a bunch of these outdoor projects.

00:24:50.376 --> 00:25:00.781
Then a little one arrives I'm on the road, all of our big events, so a full season worth of farm projects is trying to get completed now Thankfully the weather's been great.

00:25:00.801 --> 00:25:01.683
We're trying to get completed now.

00:25:01.683 --> 00:25:03.105
Thankfully thankfully the weather's been great.

00:25:03.105 --> 00:25:06.309
We're trying to get those completed now before the winter gets here.

00:25:06.309 --> 00:25:14.405
So we're fixing fences, we're cutting brush, we're you know we're we're mowing fields.

00:25:14.405 --> 00:25:16.691
We're basically bush hogging.

00:25:16.691 --> 00:25:18.755
We're doing all kinds of stuff.

00:25:18.755 --> 00:25:21.022
I've got more miles and hours on a weed whacker.

00:25:21.022 --> 00:25:23.527
I've got this brush cutting attachment on it.

00:25:23.527 --> 00:25:29.642
I am out there just mowing acres like a savage with a weed whacker Boy.

00:25:29.642 --> 00:25:32.249
I get up and whack it from sunrise to sunset.

00:25:32.249 --> 00:25:32.770
You know what I mean.

00:25:32.770 --> 00:25:35.429
I'm a whacking fool, good Lord.

00:25:37.601 --> 00:25:40.309
My dad was also a bit of a hoarder.

00:25:40.309 --> 00:25:49.221
He hoarded large, heavy objects between trailers and lawnmowers and tractors, but all things steel related.

00:25:49.221 --> 00:26:07.973
He ran a steel business for 20, 30 years, so there's collections of it everywhere and we've been trying to remove some of those things and it took me a long time to accept even getting rid of things that we would assume are junk, you know, just getting rid of just really anything, because it's been my dad's things.

00:26:07.973 --> 00:26:12.631
But over the past few weeks we've been cleaning up and doing these things.

00:26:12.631 --> 00:26:19.671
You and me did three loads of steel and tin and whatever to the junkyard.

00:26:19.671 --> 00:26:20.172
Yep.

00:26:21.133 --> 00:26:21.634
That was fun.

00:26:21.953 --> 00:26:22.674
I liked it, you liked it.

00:26:22.674 --> 00:26:23.174
Well, we got plenty more to do.

00:26:23.174 --> 00:26:23.527
I know I thought it was fun.

00:26:23.527 --> 00:26:23.994
I liked it.

00:26:23.951 --> 00:26:24.122
You liked it.

00:26:24.122 --> 00:26:24.692
Well, we got plenty more to do.

00:26:24.692 --> 00:26:25.124
I know I thought it was fun.

00:26:25.124 --> 00:26:29.309
We did 1,000 pounds of number one and we did what?

00:26:29.349 --> 00:26:32.779
two trips of 600, 700 pounds of mixed metals and stuff.

00:26:32.779 --> 00:26:34.384
Mixed white metal is what they call it.

00:26:35.327 --> 00:26:36.151
So we hauled a bunch.

00:26:36.151 --> 00:26:59.531
We've been cutting a bunch, cleaning a bunch of things, and when I was cleaning your arena out, um, like the area that we've worked on um for for big boy as kind of like his riding arena, it had been overtaken um by, you know, tall grass and weeds and trees and stumps and all those things, and it's the original fence that me and my dad built on the property.

00:26:59.531 --> 00:27:08.414
When we had to mad rush to get the horse home, he got got kicked out of the boarding situation that we had organized for him.

00:27:08.881 --> 00:27:10.766
Yeah, because his tail whooped.

00:27:12.150 --> 00:27:12.731
Yeah, it wasn't good.

00:27:12.731 --> 00:27:18.744
There was a couple of males fighting for dominance, he wanted the ladies.

00:27:18.744 --> 00:27:20.028
That's the truth.

00:27:20.028 --> 00:27:35.252
We had weeks to get him out so we got a barn and me and my dad went to work on making a pasture for him and I got tennis elbow and carpal tunnel and about killed myself and we blew the tractor up.

00:27:35.252 --> 00:27:38.022
Literally on that entire time.

00:27:38.022 --> 00:27:42.250
My dad's tractor stopped working during this and we rented that auger and that's why I?

00:27:42.250 --> 00:27:43.792
Can't feel my fingers at night anymore.

00:27:44.114 --> 00:27:44.894
Right, it's true.

00:27:51.720 --> 00:27:52.522
Well-rounded story, seriously.

00:27:52.542 --> 00:27:56.898
So over the past week I've been working to just mend no pun intended, mend those fences and, uh, some of them are just they're gonna.

00:27:56.919 --> 00:28:05.428
It's gonna take a full remake to really get it back to the way me and my dad had it, but, uh, I was able just to kind of patch things up to get it through the winter.

00:28:05.428 --> 00:28:15.075
And I was working on my dad's fence and two things I found one of his flagpoles.

00:28:15.075 --> 00:28:24.911
He had a flagpole in that field that had snapped in half and it was on the ground and it was buried in the mud and had been kind of crusted over and grown over.

00:28:24.911 --> 00:28:37.003
And I dug it out and cleaned it up and was able to salvage that flagpole and to put that back in the ground.

00:28:37.003 --> 00:28:48.457
And for my dad, I put a brand new Trump flag on it for him, because if there was anybody more happy and proud of the recent election than me, it was my dad.

00:28:48.457 --> 00:28:53.749
And, uh, I know my godfather, alan spencer, who's up in heaven as well.

00:28:53.749 --> 00:29:00.125
I guarantee that alan and my dad were watching that election together oh, they had a field day.

00:29:00.685 --> 00:29:05.434
Big old view high in the sky, and they could not be happier and more thankful.

00:29:05.434 --> 00:29:18.607
When Trump was announced president, when we stayed up till four in the morning, one of the first things I said to you was like I can only imagine how happy my dad is right now.

00:29:19.711 --> 00:29:19.851
Yep.

00:29:21.262 --> 00:29:24.945
So I thought it was fitting that I salvaged one of his flagpoles and I put a Trump flag on it.

00:29:24.945 --> 00:29:34.039
But one of the days I was out there working on the fence, I had, for whatever reason, it slipped my mind.

00:29:34.039 --> 00:29:39.269
I don't know what we were doing, but you took my dad's truck.

00:29:39.269 --> 00:29:43.372
Did you take my dad's truck to work, or something?

00:29:47.401 --> 00:29:51.652
I can't remember what I was doing.

00:29:51.652 --> 00:29:55.766
I'm trying to remember.

00:29:56.140 --> 00:30:14.770
You were gone for a while and you had my dad's truck and I was home working and, for whatever reason, like I totally disconnected from the fact that you had his truck, Like you were gone for a few hours and I was just working and I was thinking about my dad.

00:30:14.810 --> 00:30:42.275
And I was thinking that the last time I worked on this fence was me and him, and I'm just doing all those things and I could hear something, I could feel something behind me and I turned around and I saw my dad's truck coming down the driveway and I literally said to myself oh, my dad's home.

00:30:42.275 --> 00:31:23.525
And I turned and I went back to work and he drove by with a truck and there was a moment in my mind when, when I was surprised he didn't stop, because my dad would never drive by me working without stopping, either to yell at me and tell me I wasn't doing it right or to get out and help sigh.

00:31:23.525 --> 00:31:41.096
It was the first time in a long time that I forgot that.

00:31:41.096 --> 00:31:44.594
I truly forgot that my dad wasn't here anymore.

00:31:44.594 --> 00:32:00.705
It was like it hit me all over again.

00:32:00.705 --> 00:32:03.628
It was like I had this realization that he wasn't here.

00:32:03.628 --> 00:32:04.490
He wasn't going to be here.

00:32:04.490 --> 00:32:42.217
It is like I started to grieve all over again and then I started to feel an overwhelming sense of guilt that his granddaughter was in the house with his wife and he wasn't here and I couldn't give him those things and I just had a melter out there in the field working.

00:32:47.625 --> 00:33:15.241
It's one of those things, that I'm a spiritual individual and oftentimes it bothers me that, that I don't get any signs from my dad, that I don't get any messages, any signs from my dad, that I don't get any messages.

00:33:15.241 --> 00:33:28.834
I find myself beating myself up, questioning whether, now that he has the best seat in the house watching over me, if he's still as proud of me as he was when he was here, when he thought I was as great.

00:33:28.834 --> 00:33:44.498
But now he can see for himself and maybe now I don't live up to the thoughts that he had and I often think that I'm not as successful as he would have expected me to be.

00:33:44.498 --> 00:33:52.679
We're not as secure as we should be and, uh, I feel like I don't.

00:33:52.679 --> 00:34:01.455
I feel like I don't live up to the vision he always had for me.

00:34:01.455 --> 00:34:08.525
So I feel like I don't get those signs and those connections.

00:34:08.605 --> 00:34:11.625
So I feel like I don't get those signs and those connections.

00:34:11.625 --> 00:34:12.826
I don't think that's the case.

00:34:12.826 --> 00:34:25.851
I think it's more or less the fact that he has an even better view of everything versus half the story, and I think he'd be very proud of where you are today.

00:34:25.851 --> 00:34:40.385
And I remember, like it was yesterday, the conversation that you and your dad had while we were at the hospital, and what he said was I don't have to worry about you, buck, I don't have to worry about you.

00:34:40.385 --> 00:35:05.088
With that being said, I don't think that he shows you the messages as crystal clear as you hope for them to be there, but I bet you, if you actually stopped and took some time to look around, there probably is messages that you're just passing by.

00:35:06.070 --> 00:35:11.280
I watch our daughter have more interactions with him every single day.

00:35:11.280 --> 00:35:23.409
Or maybe it's him, maybe I mean, I don't know, it could be my mom who knows, but I watch her have those moments and it's those little things.

00:35:23.409 --> 00:35:25.612
We've talked about it before.

00:35:25.612 --> 00:35:45.192
Depending on the situation and what is out of the norm, just seeing a penny on the ground could be an indication of a loved one just saying hey, stop and smell the roses, or you're in a rush.

00:35:45.192 --> 00:35:48.597
The vehicle in front of you just is so slow.

00:35:48.597 --> 00:35:56.126
It's your, your loved ones, you know, put putting someone there to like stop and smell the roses, like slow down, Like it's.

00:35:56.126 --> 00:35:58.471
You know not.

00:35:58.471 --> 00:36:04.347
Messages, excuse me, messages are not always just going to be like, hey, here, it is here.

00:36:04.347 --> 00:36:11.755
I am Like you, think we just have to be more open to the messages that are being given to us.

00:36:14.192 --> 00:36:42.947
I just have this, this thing in me where, if I don't get something done, if I can't do it on my own, like I think about all the things that my dad could accomplish by himself like he could he could move a 40 by 40 garage by himself with a rope and PVC pipe like he could do all these things.

00:36:42.947 --> 00:36:53.309
I spent all day today trying to salvage his big pride and joy flagpole and my cousin came over tonight and we're going to finish it in the morning and figure it out.

00:36:53.309 --> 00:37:00.652
But I've been staring at this flagpole for years and me and him had a conversation about fixing it and uh.

00:37:00.652 --> 00:37:12.885
So I was just hell-bent for leather today that, like, this is what I'm going to do, I'm going to do this for him, I'm going to finish this for him, and uh I also think it's important for you to give yourself some grace as well.

00:37:12.985 --> 00:37:22.173
Like your dad has been working with his hands, probably since like out the womb I mean, look at the leather mitts that he has Like he is old school.

00:37:22.173 --> 00:37:28.559
So everything that he would do was all you have to do is leverage.

00:37:28.559 --> 00:37:30.391
That's all you need, just leverage.

00:37:30.391 --> 00:37:39.206
I can hear him saying it now like no matter what it was, but that's not the lifestyle that you lived.

00:37:39.206 --> 00:37:39.967
You know what I mean.

00:37:39.987 --> 00:37:48.594
Like you discovered recently, like within the last I don't know five or seven years, that you enjoyed working with your hands.

00:37:48.594 --> 00:37:53.253
You were in, you know, when you guys started building that fence and stuff.

00:37:53.253 --> 00:38:02.150
That's really when, like you would do other things, but like you really started to develop the fact that you enjoy working with your hands and doing those sort of things.

00:38:02.150 --> 00:38:07.869
Like your dad has 70 years of working with his hands.

00:38:07.869 --> 00:38:09.193
You know what I mean.

00:38:09.193 --> 00:38:11.550
So it's like you have to give yourself some grace.

00:38:11.550 --> 00:38:12.534
You're doing a great job.

00:38:12.534 --> 00:38:17.476
You're just not getting it done as quickly as you anticipate.

00:38:17.476 --> 00:38:21.476
And you're also like breaking things along the way.

00:38:21.476 --> 00:38:29.909
Your dad used to break things every single day if it wasn't breaking something on his body Hence the first aid kit.

00:38:29.931 --> 00:38:30.293
Every day his body.

00:38:30.293 --> 00:38:30.715
Hence the first day.

00:38:30.755 --> 00:38:34.471
Every day too under the christmas tree every year the uh.

00:38:36.135 --> 00:38:42.894
I guess the struggle for me as of late is like I mean I'm thankful for it, but, like you're, you're back to work.

00:38:42.894 --> 00:39:05.097
I'm adjusting to, you know, being that stay-at-home dad that's also a work from home business, that also has a small farm, that we're trying to get ready for winter and and you know, eight months worth of chores that haven't been done because we've been on the road or pregnant or doing these things right.

00:39:05.097 --> 00:39:20.016
And um, I've gotten to this point where you feel like the walls are closing in on you because, like you're just as much as you're trying to get your things done, they're just there's not enough stuff coming off of your list.

00:39:20.016 --> 00:39:47.246
And um, this time of year when you have like a lot of outdoor things but you're trying to navigate a baby, and if you're like I've got three hours of sunlight where I can physically be allowed to go outside and do something, and if you can't like close that one thing out in those three hours, like it just eats me up and I'm like I always go like at the end of the day, if I've been kicking my own ass around the driveway for, you know, all day and I'm like I didn't get any of that done.

00:39:47.246 --> 00:39:51.215
I'm always like like my old man would be like what the what the hell are you doing?

00:39:51.215 --> 00:39:51.838
You know what I mean.

00:39:51.838 --> 00:40:03.188
Like I just beat myself up when I'm like not crossing all these things off the list and you're just, I don't know, man, it just feels like there's so much stuff that's just closing in.

00:40:03.489 --> 00:40:18.961
I've I'm the worst friend on the planet right now when it comes to calling people back, when it comes to responding to texts, when it comes to answering messages, as far as the business goes, for the random inquiries that are coming in to me.

00:40:18.961 --> 00:40:25.623
I'm awful at getting back to those things and doing these things, because I just get into something and then I just get swamped.

00:40:25.623 --> 00:40:31.192
You know what I mean and I'm looking at it and I'm saying, like you only have so many days outside to get those things done.

00:40:31.192 --> 00:40:34.789
Those need to be done, and a lot of those things are for the business as well.

00:40:34.789 --> 00:40:35.530
That's outside.

00:40:35.530 --> 00:40:39.907
So I don't know, it's just weird, but I'm just like overwhelmed with things.

00:40:40.088 --> 00:40:50.469
But with all of that said, for the past week a lot of the things I've been hung up on is my dad's things and I've been doing these things subconsciously, like I didn't.

00:40:50.469 --> 00:40:51.664
You know what I mean.

00:40:51.664 --> 00:40:55.152
Like I didn't go out there and say, like doing this for my dad, you know what I mean.

00:40:55.152 --> 00:40:56.655
It's like this has to be done.

00:40:56.655 --> 00:41:01.172
I'm doing this, I'm working on that and, uh, like I repainted.

00:41:01.172 --> 00:41:12.596
I was for some reason I had this back of my mind that I was like the gate at the end of our driveway that my dad built 20 years ago.

00:41:12.596 --> 00:41:13.800
I was like hell bent that like I gotta paint that thing.

00:41:13.800 --> 00:41:14.202
It looks like shit.

00:41:14.202 --> 00:41:14.925
I gotta paint that thing.

00:41:14.925 --> 00:41:18.454
I painted it, I cleaned it up, I put new lights out there.

00:41:18.454 --> 00:41:19.436
I redid all that stuff.

00:41:19.436 --> 00:41:26.567
I'm like repainting his mailboxes, like where I'm fixing his fence, I'm cleaning his things, we're hauling his junk.

00:41:26.567 --> 00:41:32.030
And then it just hit me where I was like son of a bitch like he's the one making me do this.

00:41:32.050 --> 00:41:39.117
Yeah, of course he wants you to remember him in a different, in a different way, and he wants you to to celebrate.

00:41:39.117 --> 00:41:43.088
He wants you to celebrate his memory and you know, live on.

00:41:43.088 --> 00:41:45.875
So he's encouraging you and those alone are.

00:41:45.875 --> 00:41:48.025
Are him communicating with you?

00:41:48.025 --> 00:41:49.255
Are messages like you may not think about it, but that's his.

00:41:49.255 --> 00:41:49.878
Are him communicating with you?

00:41:49.878 --> 00:41:53.010
Are messages Like you may not think about it, but that's his way of communicating to you.

00:41:53.010 --> 00:41:53.931
You know what I mean.

00:41:53.931 --> 00:42:03.786
Like you just have to be open to those messages because why else would you think about, randomly though, doing those sort of things?

00:42:03.806 --> 00:42:28.733
Well, that's what I'm saying, Like I didn't know how I would react to November 19th and I didn't do the math and like look at the calendar and realize like wow, for a week you've been doing everything that your dad would want to do yeah you've been doing all these things that he religiously tried to do before the winter and you're also doing things on the list that he like the flagpole today.

00:42:28.954 --> 00:42:35.391
I've been so bent out of shape about fixing this flagpole since my dad was sick Like I wanted him to come home and do it being fixed.

00:42:37.025 --> 00:43:06.454
So just thinking about like all those things and then realizing like, oh wow, in three days or next week or tomorrow, it's been 365 days and that's when, like you realize, when I saw you in his truck and I made that connection, and you start thinking about what you've been doing and where your intentions have been, and you realize like I'm doing these things for myself too, but ultimately it's like no, my dad's telling me to do this.

00:43:06.454 --> 00:43:32.251
Yep, I guess that's been the um, the crazy thing about this whole process up until like like the past week, up until his uh, you know, anniversary, just to think like wow, I've been really just working on shit for him this entire time and I've been doing it for a month, but like heavily over the past week or so in between, like weddings we're doing and things like that.

00:43:32.251 --> 00:43:32.653
Right.

00:43:35.425 --> 00:44:04.199
So, as much as I subconsciously have been focusing on this random to-do list that my dad's established in my mind that I need to spend every waking hour that I possibly can working on when I'm not confined to you know, a couch with the little one, I just can't help but think about how much more difficult my life would be.

00:44:04.199 --> 00:44:24.572
I can't help but think about how hard I'd be struggling right now If it wasn't for Paisley.

00:44:24.572 --> 00:44:33.775
You're allowed to talk here.

00:44:34.536 --> 00:44:35.858
I'm just watching her sleep.

00:44:35.858 --> 00:44:38.661
She's so peaceful.

00:44:38.661 --> 00:44:42.567
I too am very thankful for her.

00:44:42.567 --> 00:44:58.141
She's helped all of us kind of get through these difficult couple of months leading up to, you know, the holidays and today and you know all the things.

00:44:58.141 --> 00:45:03.748
She's been a true blessing.

00:45:03.748 --> 00:45:23.929
We thought that this was your dad and you know the reaction of her, like looking over our shoulder and laughing and smiling and just gooing, like I truly believe that he has sent her to us.

00:45:23.929 --> 00:45:34.092
I think that we have tons of loved ones up there that had the opportunity to meet her before we did, but I truly believe that your dad sent her to us.

00:45:34.713 --> 00:45:35.054
I do.

00:45:35.556 --> 00:45:58.079
Um, I think that, um, to think like we were talking about a dinner tonight, like just to think how your dad would react to her, and he, he would be head over heels, he, he would complain that he wouldn't get anything done around here because he would be staring at her the whole time or uh just infatuated with her.

00:45:58.079 --> 00:46:09.121
But I think that he had the opportunity to uh to hang out with her and bond with her and do all the things before we got to.

00:46:09.121 --> 00:46:13.572
I think that he definitely sent her here.

00:46:18.378 --> 00:46:18.840
It's crazy.

00:46:18.840 --> 00:46:30.496
My mom took the day off from work today and you were going to work and today was, you know, one of the days that it would be me and Paisley's day.

00:46:30.496 --> 00:46:57.967
And I called my mom and she came over and I was getting some breakfast ready for us and I gave the baby to my mom and I was just standing over there and I looked over at my mom and she's holding Paisley and they're both smiling and my mom and she's holding Paige and they're both smiling and I looked over and I said did you ever, did you ever imagine this Like?

00:46:57.987 --> 00:47:02.793
did you ever imagine having you know my grandkid?

00:47:02.793 --> 00:47:06.679
And she said no, not in a million years.

00:47:06.679 --> 00:47:14.967
I thought that I was only going to have you know four-legged grandkids with you.

00:47:14.987 --> 00:47:27.795
I remember your mom telling your dad that a couple years ago your dad kept pushing and asking and I remember your mom having a conversation with us.

00:47:27.795 --> 00:47:39.416
I think all of us went out to get coffee or something and your mom said that to us Like oh, your dad was asking about kids again and I told him we got fur babies and that's it, that's all you're going to get.

00:47:39.416 --> 00:47:41.105
And he wasn't taking that for an answer.

00:47:41.105 --> 00:47:44.394
He was like nope, nope, not going to happen.

00:47:44.394 --> 00:47:47.945
I remember them having that conversation.

00:47:47.945 --> 00:47:50.666
I remember them having that conversation.

00:47:50.706 --> 00:48:00.295
It's so wild to me to think about the difference in our life Like it's unimaginable.

00:48:00.295 --> 00:48:01.036
You know what I mean.

00:48:01.036 --> 00:48:06.460
Like one year ago we were saying goodbye to my dad.

00:48:06.460 --> 00:48:18.172
A year later we're at his favorite restaurant with my mom and you and his granddaughter.

00:48:18.192 --> 00:48:26.675
Yeah, the last time we were at that restaurant was celebrating his birthday and I had just told you guys that we were pregnant.

00:48:26.695 --> 00:48:28.059
We sat at the exact same table.

00:48:28.865 --> 00:48:41.936
Yep, we sat at that same table when we celebrated his birthday and went there for dinner, right in front of the fireplace yep, I can't believe all that's happened in a year like I.

00:48:41.956 --> 00:48:44.139
Just I can't believe it.

00:48:44.139 --> 00:48:52.085
I don't know.

00:48:52.085 --> 00:48:58.614
I've always said that when you sprinkle time and distance on it, it all makes sense and you're never going to make sense of losing a loved one.

00:48:58.614 --> 00:49:21.965
But this journey in a year, when you sit back and you look and I see my little daughter and I think about All that I grew through and grown through with my dad and that journey and everything and to think and the lessons, it just all makes sense, you know.

00:49:21.965 --> 00:49:22.847
Mm-hmm.

00:49:25.449 --> 00:49:37.076
It makes even more sense when you look back and you know it was a year ago, maybe with a few days.

00:49:37.076 --> 00:49:44.221
Your dad was having conversations with us about his grandchildren, his grandchild.

00:49:44.221 --> 00:49:45.862
We didn't know what that meant.

00:49:45.862 --> 00:49:47.043
We're like what are you talking about?

00:49:47.043 --> 00:49:56.489
Like your grandchildren aren't here, but what he was talking about was our child.

00:49:56.489 --> 00:50:10.472
Like they say, when they know they're on their way out, they start the transition process, and so it's crazy to think that he was talking about her.

00:50:10.472 --> 00:50:20.327
She wants to talk about it it's uh, I don't know.

00:50:20.387 --> 00:50:50.751
it's crazy that now that we sprinkle some time and distance on it and we always talked about how we thought my dad was sending us a boy because he kept talking about a grandson, and we were going to name our son after my dad in a roundabout way by naming him Carter and all these things, and we were so hyper-focused on a boy it's crazy to look back and think about that, to sprinkle the time and distance on it, because I wouldn't, change anything.

00:50:50.844 --> 00:50:56.990
She's the absolute, most perfect girl ever I wouldn't either, and I was scared half to death to have a girl.

00:50:56.990 --> 00:50:57.512
Yeah.

00:50:57.512 --> 00:50:58.434
Scared half to death.

00:50:58.434 --> 00:51:04.293
I didn't want any business of it, but I think there's.

00:51:04.293 --> 00:51:07.291
I mean he didn't want us to have a boy yet.

00:51:08.686 --> 00:51:10.909
You know, I think that I don't think we were ready for it.

00:51:10.909 --> 00:51:21.844
There's so many things that line up, I think, for you with losing your mother and then struggling with your biological mother, and those things.

00:51:21.844 --> 00:51:28.407
I think that having the opportunity to right those wrongs, or to mend those fences or whatever that.

00:51:28.929 --> 00:51:56.545
However you look at that, like that struggle that you've had, you know, losing your, the one you considered, your mother, at such a young age, not having that opportunity to be able to recreate those opportunities and traditions but also right the wrongs of a biological mother, and the struggles that you went through I think it was critical for you to have a daughter and originally I thought that maybe we were having a daughter because this was really for you.

00:51:56.545 --> 00:51:58.110
Like you needed this, you know what I mean.

00:51:58.110 --> 00:52:16.315
Like this was part of your healing and that I thought that you know, maybe your mother and like your meme and stuff were pushing for the fact that, like this is what you need and, uh, my dad would be the one to be like, all right, and if I send a boy on the first one, he's not going to try again.

00:52:16.315 --> 00:52:20.532
We'll figure this out.

00:52:20.532 --> 00:52:31.172
So I always kind of chalked it up as, like this was so good for you and I knew it was going to be a challenge for you because you were scared of the fact that it was a little girl.

00:52:34.206 --> 00:52:47.585
But the thing that I've heard from so many dads out there is that little girls become extremely attached to their dads and, like that bond has already started.

00:52:47.585 --> 00:52:56.597
I think that with you going to work and me taking care of her during the day, there's already like we've had.

00:52:56.597 --> 00:53:02.076
Literally a month ago, we had conversations on here where I just was struggling with the bond.

00:53:02.076 --> 00:53:06.782
I was struggling with the fact that, like I couldn't do anything, I was never good enough, I wasn't sufficient.

00:53:06.782 --> 00:53:07.128
Do anything.

00:53:07.168 --> 00:53:19.210
I was never good enough, I wasn't sufficient and you know, just sharing those journeys and struggles for dads that are out there, where you're just like, you're just the you know, you're just the wipe the ass and feed the mouth guy.

00:53:19.210 --> 00:53:19.670
You know what I mean.

00:53:19.670 --> 00:53:24.713
Like you don't get the like the joy and excitement that mom gets you know what I mean or grandma gets you know.

00:53:24.713 --> 00:53:33.914
That's completely different now, because now there's those things that's like there's times when there's nobody in the room that's gonna fix this.

00:53:34.034 --> 00:53:38.393
But dad, I need dad, you know what I mean or like those mornings where she's just happy.

00:53:38.432 --> 00:53:39.965
She's happy now to see all of us.

00:53:39.965 --> 00:53:41.449
You know what I mean which is nice.

00:53:41.449 --> 00:54:00.355
But like, uh, there's been a definite shift there and I'm starting to realize that you know, little girls do love their dads and, like you, just start thinking about that and you're like I think a little girl made so much more sense for our scenario than we knew you know what I mean, right.

00:54:03.161 --> 00:54:08.271
I don't, don't ask me that in 15 years you know that'd be totally different.

00:54:08.271 --> 00:54:25.585
But and the other side of it is that over the past month we've done two weddings and we've done two special weddings and and uh the uh, father daughter dances at weddings and and seeing that it hits different, it feels oh god, I have to look away.

00:54:25.746 --> 00:54:28.960
I can't even like listening to some of the songs.

00:54:28.960 --> 00:54:41.356
Like I get choked up and I'm just like because I know one day, like I'll be looking at you guys having that moment and I'm just like I'm done it's crazy, you're gonna be a nun.

00:54:41.356 --> 00:54:46.090
You're not getting married, miss ma'am I've.

00:54:46.731 --> 00:54:49.697
I've already thought this through multiple times in my head.

00:54:49.697 --> 00:55:12.130
I don't know if I just wake up and think about it, or if it happens during a father-daughter day outside a wedding or just when I'm randomly driving, but I've already thought of the fact that someday, when she's dating and that boy comes to the house, and if it's something that seems remotely serious, I'm going to assume that he's a good fella.

00:55:12.751 --> 00:55:14.396
Probably a cowboy Right.

00:55:14.396 --> 00:55:15.117
He better be.

00:55:15.284 --> 00:55:17.702
He's got to have his mentals and his dentals right.

00:55:17.702 --> 00:55:18.023
You know what I?

00:55:18.043 --> 00:55:24.684
mean he's going to be a surefire gentleman and all those things and he's going to be a smart individual.

00:55:24.684 --> 00:55:43.347
And I'm going to have that conversation with him that says you seem like a real smart young fella and I'm going to give to you the most important and smart advice that you're going to receive in the rest of your life, and that is if you ever hurt my fucking daughter you will get the rest of your meals through a straw and you will pay somebody to wipe your ass.

00:55:43.347 --> 00:55:45.612
You know.

00:55:46.132 --> 00:55:47.135
Yeah, that sounds great.

00:55:47.135 --> 00:55:49.199
Want to know my words of advice.

00:55:49.199 --> 00:55:50.181
Sure.

00:55:50.181 --> 00:55:53.992
I look good in orange and I will smile in my mugshot.

00:55:53.992 --> 00:55:54.572
I like that.

00:55:54.572 --> 00:55:55.195
That's pretty good.

00:55:55.195 --> 00:55:58.351
Orange is in my color palette.

00:55:58.686 --> 00:56:03.653
I wear it regularly okay, I want to make sure that and I will smile in my mugshot.

00:56:03.653 --> 00:56:05.331
When I deliver the speech I'm going to be.

00:56:05.331 --> 00:56:27.594
These bear claws are going to be latched, so, vice, grip tight, and I'm going to pull that young individual about four and a half centimeters from my face and deliver that advice I think, I think what you should do is you should whisper it that's really intense, yeah most important advice you're going to get your entire life?

00:56:28.635 --> 00:56:31.159
I don't think yeah, that's pretty great.

00:56:31.159 --> 00:56:34.074
I think that's probably better than you know.

00:56:34.074 --> 00:56:35.969
Cleaning your guns on the table, yeah.

00:56:36.652 --> 00:56:40.193
I mean, I'm not going to shoot you, I'm going to physically main you, I'm going to hurt you.

00:56:41.485 --> 00:56:44.414
I want to see you struggle for the rest of your life.

00:56:44.965 --> 00:56:46.027
If I shoot you, you're dead.

00:56:46.327 --> 00:56:48.771
Yeah, unless I just go for the white meat.

00:56:49.353 --> 00:56:52.139
If I shoot you, I can't feel things snapping.

00:56:54.045 --> 00:56:58.947
You know, oh my God, that's violent, hey, that's psychopath.

00:56:59.530 --> 00:57:04.793
My dad's motto with me his entire life was to protect me and to protect me at all costs.

00:57:04.793 --> 00:57:14.289
So whoever comes around my little daughter, better sign a goddamn waiver.

00:57:14.971 --> 00:57:15.911
Are you going to have waivers?

00:57:16.753 --> 00:57:18.896
Maybe A liability waiver.

00:57:18.896 --> 00:57:19.597
I don't know.

00:57:21.960 --> 00:57:27.389
Hey, you know, what you could always do is you could make a a waiver for the White Horse Ranch.

00:57:27.811 --> 00:57:29.485
Yeah, as soon as you step on the property.

00:57:29.485 --> 00:57:32.090
That's what I'll use that other mailbox for.

00:57:32.090 --> 00:57:36.349
There you go, people come over stop at the end of the fence there and sign the waiver.

00:57:36.349 --> 00:57:39.585
Put it back in the mailbox, then you can proceed you're gonna be like for what?

00:57:39.806 --> 00:57:41.490
oh, it's just, it's just a liability.

00:57:41.490 --> 00:57:43.596
Yeah, there's still liability waiver.

00:57:43.596 --> 00:57:46.951
We have, we have horses horses and angry parrots.

00:57:47.271 --> 00:57:47.913
It is what, what it is.

00:57:48.134 --> 00:57:54.034
No, just use the animals, because if something happens, you already signed the waiver, that's true.

00:57:54.344 --> 00:57:56.213
He was trampled by a horse, that's right.

00:57:56.213 --> 00:57:58.545
Why are there all these fingerprints all over him?

00:57:59.226 --> 00:58:00.472
I was trying to put him back together.

00:58:01.106 --> 00:58:02.132
I had to get the horse off him.

00:58:02.132 --> 00:58:03.585
I thought he was Mr Potato Head.

00:58:03.585 --> 00:58:04.847
I was trying to put him back together.

00:58:06.630 --> 00:58:07.891
I had to get the horse off of him.

00:58:07.891 --> 00:58:09.932
He was going to kill him.

00:58:10.713 --> 00:58:11.394
I don't know what happened.

00:58:11.394 --> 00:58:12.094
I don't know what got into him.

00:58:12.094 --> 00:58:13.657
He looked like a carrot.

00:58:14.358 --> 00:58:15.378
Listen if he's too bad.

00:58:15.398 --> 00:58:17.862
I'll just put a carrot costume on him and throw him out in the field.

00:58:19.644 --> 00:58:22.586
If he's too bad, we'll just shave him from head to toe and give him to Winston.

00:58:23.309 --> 00:58:26.056
Listen, by the time she dates, I don't think Winston's going to be around.

00:58:26.115 --> 00:58:27.380
Well, he might have another one.

00:58:27.920 --> 00:58:30.429
Yeah, winston number seven.

00:58:30.610 --> 00:58:35.438
Yeah, you know, when I opened the Winston to the second power there you go.

00:58:35.480 --> 00:58:48.648
When I opened the whole pack of Winstons Love, a carton of Winstons when I opened the show I had mentioned that 228 episodes is extremely difficult.

00:58:48.648 --> 00:59:04.625
There's times when you don't want to record, and sometimes you don't want to record because the subject you know, when sometimes you don't want to record because you're just exhausted and you know and you, you're just, you have these deadlines and these things you're trying to do and there's all these reasons for why you don't want to record.

00:59:04.625 --> 00:59:30.579
But today I also remembered the reasons why you always want to record and the reasons why you want to keep things going, Because today I took my dad's truck and I, first off, I put my mom in the truck and the baby in grandpa's truck and we drove around and we went to Dunkin' Donuts and we went to Home Depot and we did all those things that Papa would have done.

00:59:30.579 --> 00:59:52.358
And we came home and I backed that truck up to the horse fence and I went to work on the flagpole and I spent the whole day in the field with the horse working and doing things and I dipped into the moonshine and there might have been some time when I sat on the tailgate and drank a bush and watched a flagpole's paint job dry.

00:59:52.358 --> 01:00:00.139
But during those few hours I was able to go on Spotify.

01:00:00.139 --> 01:00:04.132
This time around, I used you can use anything.

01:00:04.132 --> 01:00:05.096
You can go right on Google.

01:00:05.096 --> 01:00:07.773
You can go on our website, sharethetirclepodcastcom.

01:00:07.773 --> 01:00:13.137
You can go on Apple iTunes or Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts.

01:00:13.137 --> 01:00:20.777
You can ask Amazon Alexa, whatever you want to do, but our podcast all 228 episodes are always there.

01:00:20.777 --> 01:00:22.126
It lives on.

01:00:24.911 --> 01:00:34.128
In honor of my father, I went back and I listened to the episode that we recorded right after this day.

01:00:34.128 --> 01:00:52.932
I went back and listened to the episode we recorded after my father died and it brought back all the memories and all the emotions and, as difficult as those things were, I really remembered things so much more clearly.

01:00:52.932 --> 01:00:58.231
Like I there was this there's a storybook, there's a storybook of my life.

01:00:58.231 --> 01:00:58.726
There's a.

01:00:58.726 --> 01:01:04.157
There's a, a freaking audio book of our struggles.

01:01:04.157 --> 01:01:11.072
I was able to go back and relive those days, as difficult as those days were.

01:01:11.072 --> 01:01:43.780
But I also remembered those conversations and I remembered those positive conversations and I remember that one night, when we were walking out of the hospital room just a couple days before my dad passed, and I felt him staring at me and I was the last one out the door and I was like, and I heard my dad say I love you and I couldn't let him be the last one.

01:01:43.780 --> 01:02:02.244
So I turned around and went back to his room and I hugged him and I told him that I loved him when I was listening to that story today, one of the most important things about that story was that I apologized.

01:02:02.244 --> 01:02:08.019
I apologized to my dad and I said that I'm sorry.

01:02:08.019 --> 01:02:24.278
I'm sorry I never gave you a grandkid and I said if I ever have a son of my own, I hope that I'm as half as good of a father as you've been to me.

01:02:24.278 --> 01:02:39.563
And he kept telling me that you made it easy and and he had said it's all in what you make it.

01:02:39.563 --> 01:02:54.001
And my dad held me like a child, Just kept patting my back and saying you're the best boy.

01:02:54.001 --> 01:02:57.574
Just kept patting my back and saying you're the best boy.

01:02:57.614 --> 01:03:16.197
Without this podcast, without that vulnerability, without me one year ago turning on a microphone and bawling my eyes out and sharing that story, I might not remember that story today and that story hits.

01:03:16.197 --> 01:03:22.617
And that story hits so much more differently sitting here with my daughter.

01:03:22.617 --> 01:03:27.076
What a difference a year makes.

01:03:27.076 --> 01:03:42.079
A year ago, apologizing to my dad and praying that I can someday be as good of a father as he is.

01:03:42.079 --> 01:04:05.896
When you sprinkle time and distance on it, it all makes sense, man.

01:04:05.896 --> 01:04:24.518
That's what I love about the podcast, that's what I love about this show and that's what I love about the fact that we're creating a storybook for my daughter to someday listen to, to go back to and to maybe learn some embarrassing stories about her dad and some vocabulary that's not safe for work.

01:04:24.518 --> 01:04:29.541
But to know those things and to hear those stories and legacies.

01:04:29.541 --> 01:04:31.351
I think that that's invaluable.

01:04:31.351 --> 01:05:08.155
And it just goes to even further that when I also took the time today to listen to my dad's entire service Because we were bold enough to record the speech, we were bold enough to record my dad's full ceremony and then put it out for everybody to listen to I listened to all those stories and I got to say that while I was out there working I even laughed today and I cried today.

01:05:10.480 --> 01:05:19.304
But it was so heartwarming and fulfilling today because even during my dad's ceremony like to hear the laughter in the room, like the excitement in the room.

01:05:19.304 --> 01:05:28.577
It's crazy when you're focusing on audio and you're listening to something, I could tell you certain laughs in the room.

01:05:28.577 --> 01:05:29.300
I knew who they were.

01:05:29.300 --> 01:05:31.956
I could hear Derek Downs laugh.

01:05:31.956 --> 01:05:32.980
Every time he laughed.

01:05:32.980 --> 01:05:37.983
I could hear my uncle's little way of going and agreeing with things I was saying.

01:05:37.983 --> 01:05:39.286
I could hear you.

01:05:39.286 --> 01:05:40.150
I could hear my mother.

01:05:40.150 --> 01:06:06.179
I could pick out certain voices and laughs and things that I knew and it brought me back to that day and I'll always have that and I'll always have that day and people always have the stories and the memories and the legacy of my father Because of this podcast and that's why we continue to record and that's why we're doing another night, late night, sitting on a couch crying our eyes out when we all have things to do in the morning.

01:06:06.760 --> 01:06:09.842
But this is what our life's about.

01:06:09.842 --> 01:06:18.974
It's crazy, it's ridiculous, but if we're willing to share it, then there's some strength and some inspiration for other people to take and apply to their own lives.

01:06:18.974 --> 01:06:22.362
I I truly, truly feel that's why we do this.

01:06:22.362 --> 01:06:26.278
What are you going to say for yourself?

01:06:27.963 --> 01:06:44.657
I, I think that it's going to be, one day, really awesome for Paisley to be able to listen back to them and be able to figure out how much of our lives is a shit show.

01:06:44.657 --> 01:06:48.663
No, I'm just kidding.

01:06:48.663 --> 01:06:56.041
I think it's going to be really cool because I mean I wish that I could like hear my mom's voice.

01:06:56.041 --> 01:06:57.403
You know what I mean.

01:06:57.403 --> 01:07:00.614
Like that alone would just like.

01:07:00.614 --> 01:07:06.844
I have memories of like what she sounds like.

01:07:06.844 --> 01:07:11.722
But like you know, like some people say they like call people's voicemails like after they've gone.

01:07:11.722 --> 01:07:17.713
Like nowadays, like the phone company just takes your number and recycles it and uses it Like.

01:07:18.114 --> 01:07:34.945
I have voicemails saved on my phone of Meme like telling, like telling me that she loves me and hi, sweet girl, like, like, and I listen to it like or like sometimes I'll accidentally hit it as I'm like because I just leave it there and like it just like catches me off guard.

01:07:34.945 --> 01:07:40.659
So it's like it's really cool to be able to like hear my ma's voice every once in a while.

01:07:40.659 --> 01:07:56.576
You know what I mean Like just out of nowhere, like watching old videos, and but you know, for her one day to be able to like listen back to our stories and and also hear us like real, raw and live.

01:07:56.576 --> 01:08:05.485
I mean, that's how our goal to raising her is being just that like real, raw and honest.

01:08:05.485 --> 01:08:20.684
And I think that having the opportunity for her to listen to us doing that and raising her that way like she's, I mean, yeah, sure she's going to hear some colorful language, but like she's, I mean, yeah, sure she's gonna hear some colorful language, but like she's gonna hear that on the regular.

01:08:20.724 --> 01:09:35.179
We this is us probably gonna fast forward through some sexual conversations on some of these, but it's the motivation to um keep on going with these for me because, like I thought about it today when I was thinking like man, what I wouldn't give to be able to throw some headphones in and listen to two hours of my dad sharing stories you know what I mean and, uh, no matter what the struggle is and what the cost is to continue to do this and the commitment is to do this I think that the legacy and the tradition and the history that we're building for her, I think is it's just something that you can't replace, that not every kid's gonna have, and it's crazy how some of the meanings and the um reasons for these shows kind of ebb and flow and evolve, but, um, she's really become part of the reason for the show, you know, and I think that it'll be good for her to go back and hear how we struggled and how we got through things, because she's going to struggle and she's going to have to go through things and right now she's perfect and there's no concerns in the world and there's nothing to worry about, you know, other than where my next bottle is coming from.

01:09:36.010 --> 01:10:09.724
But at some point this cruel world is going to hit her with some reality and she's going to go through some shit and as she gets older, to be able to go back and listen to the things that we went through, I think it's going to give her the courage to stand up and to get through those things and ultimately that's what we want for everybody that listens to this show is to learn that, like, no matter who you are, no matter where you are, you know we all go through some shit, no matter what race you are, what color you are, what religion you believe, no matter what goals you want to achieve, we all struggle.

01:10:10.250 --> 01:10:11.234
Everybody goes through shit.

01:10:11.234 --> 01:10:20.073
But the truth is, if you're willing to share your shit, then we can all grow from it is, if you're willing to share your shit, then we can all grow from it.

01:10:20.073 --> 01:10:43.841
And today we were able to share more about my dad and what it's like to face the first year of losing someone, and for us just happened to be an extremely dramatic year, because not only did we lose someone, but we welcome someone, and I'm so thankful we did, because I don't know who and where I'd be without her already you know yep, for sure.

01:10:44.302 --> 01:10:54.134
I feel like we really weren't even beginning the grieving process before we found out that we were going to be parents not.

01:10:54.475 --> 01:10:57.179
Yeah, I mean slightly.

01:10:57.179 --> 01:10:59.483
We were grieving for sure, but not for me.

01:10:59.502 --> 01:11:07.537
But I mean like I wasn't healing, I was, I didn't, I was numb to it and a lot of it was like I wanted to make sure you, my mom was okay and the house was okay and I wasn't accepting anything.

01:11:07.618 --> 01:11:18.304
You know right and um I think your mom and I we were definitely in the mix of healing and processing and that sort of thing.

01:11:18.304 --> 01:11:24.863
But you're right, you were basically just like stomaching everything and setting it aside.

01:11:25.930 --> 01:11:26.011
I.

01:11:26.011 --> 01:11:29.289
Just when we found out that we were going to be parents.

01:11:29.289 --> 01:11:34.414
It was like we're losing someone, but the hope and excitement of welcoming someone helped us to get through that loss.

01:11:34.414 --> 01:11:35.662
Like I don't know how we get through that loss.

01:11:35.662 --> 01:11:39.296
Like I don't know, how we get through the loss of my father.

01:11:39.296 --> 01:11:45.716
Because of the time spent in the hole that was left in the void for all of us, I don't know how we would have done it.

01:11:46.016 --> 01:12:06.176
Yeah, I think the focus during that first year was, you know, like planning the baby shower, being on the road, like you know, constantly checking in, like how I'm feeling and you know, getting things ready for the baby to come, like I mean that wasn't the main focus of the of the year, but like we would go shopping and like buy things.

01:12:06.497 --> 01:12:18.851
You know what I mean for the baby, so I think that that helped I think it was always a welcomed, pleasant distraction when the world became too much right when all the things going around us.

01:12:18.851 --> 01:12:23.087
We all know the crazy things that we've gone through the business like that.

01:12:23.087 --> 01:12:29.011
You know just the ups and flows of the business and trying to navigate those things and being on the road and you being pregnant.

01:12:29.011 --> 01:12:34.612
But there was, like always, that like pleasant distraction, like let's go, do this for the baby let's get this for the baby.

01:12:34.631 --> 01:12:34.853
Baby.

01:12:34.853 --> 01:12:45.006
Like when you start feeling sorry for yourself with you know, the loss of my father and the loss of Meme and those things, then you're like, let's distract myself with this for the baby.

01:12:45.006 --> 01:12:50.280
You just I just feel like it helped us get through so much.

01:12:50.280 --> 01:13:03.400
And then her arriving and you know, like I don't know how my mom gets through today without the time she had with with her today you know, yeah and uh.

01:13:03.440 --> 01:13:38.461
The fact that every time me and my mom were driving around and started to get emotional, like she would just make a noise and smile and you look over at her and she's just just beaming, you know, and uh, the world just has a crazy way of working out, you know, just has a crazy way of always working out, and I don't know what else to say about it, you know, but I just can't believe that one year ago I was facing life without my dad and now I'm on a couch with my two month old daughter.

01:13:38.461 --> 01:13:45.038
I don't, I don't know what planet I'm from, dude, it's crazy.

01:13:45.038 --> 01:13:46.640
That's really crazy.

01:13:49.005 --> 01:13:52.976
Well, I hope that, uh, something came out of today for someone.

01:13:52.976 --> 01:13:57.054
If you are one of those someone's and you enjoyed the show today, please subscribe.

01:13:57.054 --> 01:13:57.476
Help grow the tribe.

01:13:57.476 --> 01:13:58.060
You enjoyed the show today?

01:13:58.060 --> 01:13:58.404
Please subscribe.

01:13:58.404 --> 01:13:59.310
Help grow the tribe.

01:13:59.310 --> 01:14:00.815
Share the show with someone you know.

01:14:00.815 --> 01:14:04.220
We appreciate you, we love you, we thank you.

01:14:04.220 --> 01:14:17.210
We got some more exciting things coming on the horizon, but today was all about remembering my dad and acknowledging the presence of this beautiful little miracle we have that's changed our lives all for the better.

01:14:17.210 --> 01:14:33.949
So until then, until the next time, thank you for supporting our American dream now go wash your fucking hands, you filthy savage that's it and that's all.

01:14:34.069 --> 01:15:01.340
Biggie Smalls, if you're a Loud, proud American and you find yourself just wanting more find me on YouTube and Facebook at Loud Proud American, or the Face page, as my mama calls it.

01:15:01.340 --> 01:15:04.409
If you're a fan of the Graham Cracker, you want to find me on Instagram.

01:15:04.409 --> 01:15:08.542
Or all the kids are tickety-talking on the TikTok.

01:15:08.542 --> 01:15:11.097
You can find me on both of those.

01:15:11.097 --> 01:15:13.632
At Loud underscore Pr.

01:15:13.632 --> 01:15:16.216
Proud underscore American.

01:15:16.216 --> 01:15:32.275
A big old thank you to the boys from the Gut Truckers for the background beats and the theme song for this year's podcast.

01:15:32.590 --> 01:15:34.318
If you are enjoying what you're hearing.

01:15:34.318 --> 01:15:56.122
You can track down the Gut Truckers on Facebook Just search Gut Truckers.

01:15:56.122 --> 01:16:01.206
Give them motherfuckers, a like too.

01:16:01.265 --> 01:16:04.047
I truly thank you for supporting my American dream.

01:16:04.047 --> 01:16:09.413
Now go wash your fucking hands, you filthy savage.

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